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1. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/01
WHICH surgically enhanced bimbette was caught snorting cocaine in the toilets at a showbiz bash? The megastar was so out of it she ended up asking revellers if they'd like to join her.
Posh Spice

MIXED-UP, SHOOK-UP BOY: He's cute, talented and sorta famous in a never-quite-made-it way, but he bewitches, bothers and bewilders the hot Hollywood babes who practically hurl their maxi-thin, gym-hardened bods at him whenever he deigns to make the scene at a party or premiere. Yeah, he is straight as an arrow, as his many conquests could attest, but his look and grooming lately set gay chic back, oh, 30 years. He now never leaves home without wearing a truckload of eyeliner, mascara and foundation and clothes that look like they were dragged out of the closet for a Village People reunion. He's even raised his manly voice a couple of octaves. But not to worry that he's sending out very mixed signals because he's also going around announce that he's becoming cellibate for at least a year or longer.
Jared Leto

HIDEOUS SHE-DEMON: Quietly stepping away from the cameras for a bit of study, hanging out with her boyfriend, and doing some theater has made this young thing in demand again for movies. But producers and casting agents are shocked to see that the things that once made her delectable on camera are suddenly looking nasty and used-up, maybe because her inner ugliness has finally surfaced. Those who've worked with her still tell horror tales about her chronic lateness, love of upstaging her fellow actors, and downright rudeness to anyone she feels doesn't "get" her, which means just about everyone.
Julia Stiles; Anna Paquin; Clarie Danes; Natalie Portman

--We'll call this one Haley, cause just like the Duffs, this one's a few years older than her sister Holly. And mind you, far LESS scandalous. Regardless, I'm hearing that one of my ALL TIME FAVORITE ACTRESSES (Ever!) is now dating a fellow actor who was married until a nanosecond ago. The timing is a bit ... well ... suspicious. Thing is, though, this girl could steal my own boyfriend and I'd still have nothing but love for her. ... It's THAT deep. We'll just rack it up as a Claire Danes/Billy Crudup coinkidink.

--One of our favorite all-time girls next door on television is apparently a man-stealin' ho. (In this case, a much deserved description.) She went a little Single White Female on her previous show, befriending a married couple (one half of whom she co-starred with), then seducing the hubby, Linda Tripp-ing their phone sex and sending it to the wife. (!!) The marriage, over. His career, over. Hers, NOT. It's NOT: Jennifer Garner. But roughly somewhere along those lines.
man-stealin' ho: Jennifer Love Hewitt
married couple: Johnathon Schaech and Christina Applegate
show: WB "Time of Your Life"

--On a certain comedy that I adore, there's a group of cast members who've been together since day one, and now they have a new cast member joining and apparently the original cast is not so happy, because they're afraid that he may be stealing their thunder, so they've all started counting their lines. It's so very Alyssa and Shannon on Charmed. I love it! Dom, new character on "Entourage"

--On a certain show that I talk about all the time, there's a power couple that everyone loves, but it turns out in real life, they give each other the heebie jeebies. They were together at the beginning of last season. Then, sort of broke up and there was a huge twist --that all the fans went completely nuts over-- that tore them apart. Well this twist, it turns out, is something that Adam and Heave requested, because they were tired of powering up on the Pepto before those love scenes. Lauren Graham & Scott Patterson, "Gilmore Girls"

Which Hollywood A-lister just discovered it was her NYC gbf planting all those nasty items about her in the gossip columns?

One Girlie Galore Blind Vice: Okay, all you hell-raising heathens, tongue-dripping turnabout is more than fair play. Last week, we covered the taboo private-parts doings on the dude side, this time round, we're tackling what the gals are up to, naughty-time-wise. Or one very, very famous sweetie-poop, that is. Slurpa Pop-Off is quite beautiful--and big-time tush-shakin', too. She also has a penchant for bedding every stud in the Western Hemisphere on whom she lays her pretty little beady eyes--always successfully, I should inform you goss-babes. But here's the kicker in the squishy parts: S.P.O. is, ironically enough, only so-so interested, as far as the guys go. It's just for press. In other words, what makes Ms. Pop-Off see stars and have the kind of orgasms Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan and Helen Gurley Brown all made famous are other girls--specifically honeys who, as Madonna likes to say, prefer to dine in. Get me, babycakes? I'm certain you do if you've been the least bit of a Sex and the City student. And get this: In one of those impossibly trendy little clubs at which Ms. P.O. likes to boogie down, Slurpa hit the ladies' room, as she is wont to do. But not to relieve herself! Nope. Instead, in one of those ridiculously peekable stalls, S.P.O. got a blow on, while another gal in the same toilet compartment blew Slurpa. How do I know this? Slurpa, totally sloshed, per usual, actually forgot to close the stall door. And just as Ms. Pop-Off was screaming to the endorphin-bestowing goddess inside herself, someone else walked in the damn bathroom. Slurpa, total slut pro she be, just kept right on--at high volume, too. Oh, my. Think even I'm getting a little excited. IT’S NOT: Cameron Diaz Rose McGowan Kimberly Stewart

Heather Graham; Kirsten Dunst

This gorgeous young couple was the talk of the Cannes Film Festival - and not because of the blockbuster movies they were supposed to be promoting. Because they seemed to spend every day in paradise scrounging for cocaine! (And they LOOK so sweet and innocent.) They asked hotel employees "Can you get us some coke?" They hounded publicists and producers for blow. They even coerced their French speaking friends to ask locals where they could get coke. By the end of their stay, people were avoiding them and their fixation. But we have to admit, they do have a pair of the best beach bodies anywhere!
Justin Timberlake/Cameron Diaz; Kate Bosworth /Orlando Bloom

--WHICH closeted character actor was caught in his trailer performing asex act on his hunky male co-star during the filming of their movie? Kevin Spacey and "Superman" Ian Roberts

--WHICH New York-based fashion financier likes to fly to Las Vegas with his wife and hire hookers for the both of them? Apparently the rag-trade titan watches the call girls have sex with each other before he and his spouse ravage them in the couple's lavish hotel suite.

--Which "SNL" alum and his producer girlfriend might want to be a little more discreet about smoking weed at BruceSpringsteen concerts at Madison Square Garden?
Jimmy Fallon/Nancy Juvoven, Drew Barrymore's producing partner

--Which blossoming Hollywood heartthrob was bragging on the red carpet at last week's Kanye West concert about his seven-year romance with his current gf? Doing the math, that would mean he was cheating on the Latina movie star who dated him when he was still on the bottom of the film-industry foodchain.

10. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/05
WHICH celebrity's personal hygiene and intimate grooming issues left a recent conquest running for cover? After a fruity encounter the reeling fella told pals he wouldn't be making a return visit until she'd had a bath.

The Belle from Hell: Now here's a bitch who needs a slap to Sunday. Sure, she's rich. But in a town that only celebrates your recent success, what gives her the right to throw her sh*t around? Especially when the glory decade has long since wrapped? A while back, when she had reason to self celebrate, she came home to inform her hardworking personal chef that she had invited several guests over for dinner. With only just a few hours lead, the employee was required to whip up something elegant and delicious, something she accomplished in spades. Hoping for a word of encouragement or at least an expression of gratitude, the unfortunate minion greeted her boss the next day, asking her how things went, how she was feeling. And this is what she got in return: 'I really wish you wouldn't talk to me', followed by heavy footsteps out of the kitchen. Nice. Cut to present day, and apparently the assy manners are still in tact. She's scheduled for a promotional product appearance and a driver is sent to pick her up. She gets in the car, he gets her settled, and politely asks her how she's finding everything, if she's comfortable, how she's enjoying the weather. And you know what she said? 'What gives you the idea that I want you to talk to me'. Cue very loud exhale and the silent treatment the rest of the way. Now I know this shouldn't be shocking considering the clientele we're dealing with but when you're brought up to exude charm and grace, how is this anywhere near acceptable? And you wonder why snarky celebrity gossip blogs are popping up all over the place???
Cybill Sheperd; Courteney Cox

12. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/06
WHICH out-of control celebrity is heading for self-destruct? The lady in question is hanging out with people much older than her, and popping ecstasy on a regular basis while pretending she's a saint to her friends.
Lindsay Lohan

1. Whose stage show-despite having very little overhead-supposedly never made a cent because of the star's living and transportation demands?
"3 Days of Rain"/Julia Roberts

2. Which actress who's quietly gay was a beard for a soap actor way back in the '80s?

3. Who got that part in that serious gay play partly because the director liked him in porn flicks?

4. What Oscar-winning actor is rumored to have gone out with that handsome businessman? (Yes, the latter is supposed to be straight, but his most famous female conquest always attaches herself to sexually ambiguous men, so think again.) George Clooney and nightclub owner Rande Gerber

5. What fabulous downtown drag queen dates a supporting male player on Desperate Housewives?

6. Who was recently married, but went through a lengthy "phase" as a lesbian, hitting on New York waitresses with typical aggression? Marcia Cross; Pink; Nicole Kidman

7. What acclaimed theater-and-movie actor has a decent-sized schlong, but it never gets that hard and it tends to drip with string cheese? Ralph Fiennes

8. What British movie star, say the rumors, had to pay a guy $100,000 to go ta-ta when the gent produced photos of the Brit getting intimate with another male in a dog park? (No wonder Brits have bad teeth.)

9. What streety actor goes clubbing a lot but doesn't want it known because when the mother of his baby reads about his cavortings thousands of miles away, she blows like a geyser? Mark Wahlberg

10. What star who put out with his director to get that coveted role wouldn't do so any more once it was in the can, as it were? (I guess he won't get the sequel.) Brandon Routh and Bryan Singer "Superman"

11. What director's ex-lady perennially tortured him to give her bigger roles (he didn't) and wasn't terribly supportive of his own achievements? Why do I suddenly feel less sympathy for the bitch?
Director: Alexander Payne (Sideways)
ex-lady: Sandra Oh

12. What stomach-stapled mess dropped her napkin at a restaurant, and when the waiter was about to get her a new one, she said, "No. I want this one," so-stay with me-he had to try to pick it up as her foot stubbornly stayed on top of it? (PS: She didn't tip, so the actress she was dining with nicely came back the next day with flowers and some money.) Star Jones

13. Who walked out of watching a live game show at a gay bar when they asked the panel to "name an '80s celebrity who thinks he's still famous" and he came in at number two? Was he mad he wasn't number one?

14. What heartthrobby young actor was told by his publicist to lose the gay friends because that's how rumors start? (The rumors may have also started because the actor is indeed a big, old faygeleh bottom, which some find a shame seeing as his dick is even bigger than his ego.)

15. What female designer has long been dating an ex- Gaiety dancer?

16. What hey- world-I'm-straight business titan supposedly beats up partners during gay s&m sexploits, then pays them off to shut the fuck up about it? (And I guess it works; I sure can't hear them.) Ron Perelman; Marc Cuban

14. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/07
WHICH pop flop has a very obvious drug habit? The lady in question left a trail of Colombian marching powder behind her in the toilets of a London club after arriving at the bash as high as a kite.

This cute TV actor almost has it all - he made a bundle on his hit TV show, he's branching out into movies, and he's dating a bevy of Hollywood beauties. But his romances don't last - for a good reason. He's lacking on one important area - the size of his manhood! He was terribly short changed in that department and now he's thinking about using his big paychecks to do something about it. He's planning to have a penile implant, but every time the date comes close, he changes his mind. He's trying to work up the nerve to have the augmentation surgery to improve his lovelife, but -lets face it- he's scared to death.
Zach Braff

16. POPBITCH 07/7
(WAGS: wives and girlfriends of English soccer team, as they've been dubbed by British press)

--A tabloid has photos of which WAG snorting cocaine off the tip of her ex-boyfriend's penis? They've told her they won't publish if she gives them exclusive access and stories.

--Which WAG is being slammed by a media agency for her behaviour on a recent photoshoot? The "celebrity" tried to get staff sacked for asking her if she minded telling her huge entourage to leave the set while they finished the shots.

--Whose WAG is thought to have caused some friction in the England camp by giving one of her boyfriend's team-mates a blow job to help him get over his disappointing World Cup?

--Which WAG is said to have supplemented her meagre pre-footballer days earnings by working as a high-class hooker? She had several rich Arab "friends" who paid for her flat, car etc.

17. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/08
WHICH singer is battling bulimia? While on tour the household name spends fortunes on room service, only to throw it all back up. It's a sin to waste all that food.
Robbie Williams

Which recent public spat between a popular sitcom star and powerful TV producer actually has its origins many years ago on the casting couch?
Matthew Perry and Darren Starr

19. NY POST/PAGE SIX 07/09
--WHICH porcelain-skinned actress shouldn't have worn her hair pulled back when she went to a Broadway play? Instead of staring at the stage, the man sitting behind her focused on her tiny facelift scars. "If she'd kept her hair down, nobody would be the wiser," says our spy. No wonder she's so smooth-faced.
Bernadette Peters

--WHICH middle-aged movie hunk's legendary aloofness is chemically induced? He has primo marijuana FedExed to his hotel rooms wherever he goes. Harrison Ford

20. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/10
WHICH pouty babe sweats so much she's having botox injections in her armpits? The starlet, desperate to avoid embarrassing red carpet moments, spends £400 every three months to keep the body odour at bay.

21. NY POST/PAGE SIX 07/10
--WHICH New York-based film producer routinely fudges four years off his age? His former classmates at the Fieldston School are amused, saying,"You can look him up in our yearbook."
Edward Pressman (not anymore...it's been removed from their site)

--WHICH talk-show host was less than entirely truthful over a year ago when he denied he was romancing one of his young female interns? Seems the two are still dining together cozily at a restaurant on the Upper East Side. Maury Povich; Bill O'Reilly

One Overly Caring Blind Vice: We all know bod-goons are paid to protect the overly watched frames of the celebs who employ them. Most times, these bossy gorillas are très busy trying to keep pesky paps away or simply shooing starstruck autograph seekers. Occasionally, these walking barricades even help carry celebs' purses or pups. Too cute! Not this, though: The security staff utilized by one Morgan Mayhem (a repeat offender in the naughty narrative known as the Blind Vice archive) is far more, uh, hands-on. See, Morg's men protect way more than her bitchin' bod. They also keep more than a hawklike eye on her damn drug stash. Picture it: a swanky Hollywood hotel, known for its crazy parties and late-night flings. A very nearly has-been actor is escorting two lovely ladies to a friend's room upstairs. Said gray-haired type accidentally happens into the wrong suite at a very inopportune time. Morgan is alone in the room, 'cept for her coke stash and bodyguards. And one particularly helpful guard is choppin' up lines for Miz M. Now, that's stellar service! And even though M2 was gettin' blown all alone, she ain't happy about the company. Has-been actor offers a hello. "Who are they?" demands M., who's known to hate pretty gals who dare get anywhere near her sleep-deprived vicinity. "This is my room, and my coke!" bitches Morgan. "Get out." Geez, Morg. Didn't anyone teach you to share? And heaven knows it wouldn't hurt you (or your nose) to cut back.
IT'S NOT: Nicky Hilton; Whitney Houston; Mischa Barton

MORGAN MAYHEM: Lindsay Lohan

23. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/11
WHICH Brit babe has been told to cut out the Botox because casting directors don't like her expressionless face? She claims not to like cosmetic surgery, but her regular jabs tell a different story.
Elizabeth Hurley; Kate Beckinsale

Which famous director has been disliked on Martha's Vineyard ever since the incident a few years back when he changed his baby in the back of a cab, leaving the soiled diaper behind and not tipping the driver? One tipsy local actually threw rocks at him when he turned up for this year's July 4 celebrations.
Kevin Smith

This sexy actress is a longtime twelve stepper and she's been on and off the wagon for years. She controls her urges best when she faithfully attends AA meetings. Her beautiful young teenage daughter is also an aspiring actress and recently started to get work. But drugs got in the way of her ambition and she landed in AA also. Mother and daughter both attended the same meeting recently and they each shared with the group. Imagine their shock when they discovered they each had a weakness for the same lethal drug: crack. The mother was horrified to realize what her daughter might have inherited from her, besides good looks.
Melanie Griffith

Which married hip-hop mega producer is having an affair with one of his young secretaries that is the talk of the music biz?

Which Hollywood rumor that won't die has that hunky actor secretly dating a long-ago sitcom co-star who has now come of age? Let's hope it's just an urban myth.

This bigtime hip hop mogul's elegant and beautifully dressed wife was recently shopping at an upscale LA boutique. The exotic beauty made a number of tasteful purchases before she spotted HER HUSBAND'S MISTRESS across the store. The wife went berserk and she instantly became a ghetto-mouth screeching "You bitch - you're just after his money!" " I don't NEED his money - I drive a Range Rover!" squawked the mistress."Oh yeah" yapped the wife, swiveling her head "Well, I have a Mercedes and a $185000 watch on, bitch! I guess he wants OLD p---- now!" The mistress spat "I can see why he's leaving YOUR skanky ass!" Before she stormed out, the wife yelled "If I wasn't in this store I'd KICK your ass right now!" And we believe her.
Kimora Lee Simmons

29. NY POST/PAGE SIX 07/14
--WHICH wannabe movie producer married to a well-born actress is becoming an undesirable dinner guest at society dinner parties? He's abrupt with the older ladies and his hands wander under the tablecloth with the younger ones. Ted Hartley/Dina Merrill

30. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/14
WHICH singer is currently undergoing emergency dental work on his gnashers? Years of heroin addiction have rotted his pearly whites away and left him with stumps.
Scott Weiland; Eddie Van Halen

31. POPBITCH 07/17
Which pretty-boy Brit movie star has, according to an ex-girlfriend, a colossal cocaine habit and "a predilection for shaving his balls"?
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers

Which blockbusting director with a thing for much much younger boys once dated a 17-year-old who was still living at home? The romance ended when the boy's mother banned her son from seeing him! Bryan Singer

Could it be that one of our favorite gay boys is again lamenting his single status? So say sources at that grammatical gathering place in WeHo. The funnyman was complaining to his coterie about his non-existent sex life (a subject brought on, no doubt, by that prior object of his affection working within spitting distance). "I haven't had sex in so long, I'm a born-again virgin," he lamented. When one onlooker asked our meet-man what he gets into (sexually, or course), he said, "I don't care if someone's a great bottom or a great top. I like to be surprised." A friend asked what he has to offer a prospective mate. The boastful boy quipped, "God blessed me with three things: a pretty face, great legs, and a big d---." And bangs - don't forget those bangs!

Every gay guy in Hollywood already knows this hunkalicious actor prefers men, but he's being gagged by his managerial team, and NOT allowed to admit it! He'd LOVE to come out of the closet! He HATES doing those interviews that always focus on his mysterious love life. But he's a leading man type and there's too much money riding on his sex appeal to women and macho identity to men! He's featured on a popular TV series that shoots far from Hollywood. While he's on location, our hunk openly lives with his boyfriend . Setsiders aren't inclined to gossip about him because they want to keep the show on the air. They fear a gay star might turn off viewers of both sexes. But it leaves our gorgeous actor feeling miserable and awkward. He's not enjoying his success.
Wentworth Miller

One Quelle Surprise Blind Vice: Oh, this one's rich. So much so I'm going to fling my pumped up, only slightly limp wrists right past that network pretty boy who's doing every gym-going dude he can, not to mention the gorgeous matinee idol's daddy who's practically doing the same, as of late. Rather predictable, both of these closeted guys, if you ask me. More fun, in my jaded book, would be Plumper Dumper's newfound cojones. But let me, uh, back up first, 'kay? Mr. Dumper, also a man known more for his male-on-male activities than his female goings-on, flabbergasted more than a few of us fruits when he married Bertha Broom-Rider. Suddenly, P.D. attempted to be more discreet in his fraternizing 'n' fellah-collecting--activities he did not curb once he walked down the aisle with B.B.R. Though few expected him to, 'course. Not even Ms. B.R. She just didn't want to know exactly what it was her husband was doing hanging out with guys all the time. Maybe they were playing ball? Denial, denial, denial--sorta like my mama still expects me to ask out some nice girl, but never mind... So, it was a mucho shockarooney to Bertha (but not the friends she blabbed to later) when Plumper officially came out of the closet recently. Just to his wife, mind you. And just to sweetly rub it in, Mr. Dumper chose one of his wife's worst days ever for the boy-bombshell delivery. B.B.R. was the only one majorly surprised. No one else. No wonder that babe's pro schedule is all atwitter--her noggin's, like, nowhere in the vicinity of reality. (Oh, and for the tasty record, the above network pretty boy will be making his own debut in these Blinded pages soon enough. He's too big not to.)
IT'S NOT: Kathie Lee Gifford; Britney Spears; Jennifer Lopez
Network Pretty Boy: Wentworth Miller
Plumper Dumper: Al Reynolds
Bertha Broom Rider: Star Jones

The Third Person: What’s the measure of a truly obnoxious diva? The demands, yes. The attitude, of course. The sense of entitlement, absolutely. But don’t forget a whole new way of speaking to go with a whole new level of success. Girlfriend has taken to talking about herself in the third person. Now think about how cloying this would be and imagine you were present during this recent, seemingly harmless discussion she had with her assistant. Let’s call her Judy, after my mother, shall we? Judy: When is Judy’s call time tomorrow? Staff: we’re gonna get you there for 7am. Judy: 7am is too early for Judy. Judy’s going out late at that thing tonight? Can’t you move it for Judy? : Staff: it’s a half day shoot and they could only get the permit until 2. Did you want me to see if I get you out of the meeting tonight? Judy: No way, everyone’s gotta see Judy tonight! And it keeps going and going and going. But don’t doubt for a second that she doesn’t know exactly what she’s doing. Because as much as the third person comes out to rule in private, the words “I” and “me” miraculously re-enter her lexicon as soon as it’s time to sell. Lifelong training and preparation has paid off…and like any true diva, this girl is a total pro.

37. PerezHilton 07/21
What seemingly cuckolded British actor doesn't have to worry? Sources tell PerezHilton.com that his Slutty girlfriend is just friends with her co-star, who also happens to be gay!!! Yes, Frankly, we were a bit shocked by this revelation too. But, multiple sources close to the hunky actor confirmed this news to us, and - what more - they tell us that his boyfriend is staying with him in Canada, where they are filming. Now things make even more sense! This Slutty actress has bearded a closeted actor in the past. Could her Brit boyfriend swing both ways too???
British actor: Jude Law
Slutty girlfriend: Sienna Miller
hunky actor: James Franco
closeted actor: Hayden Christensen

38. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/21
WHICH long-suffering celebrity has had enough of her bullying boyfriend? The lady-in-question is so scared, she alerted police about his threatening behaviour. We hope she leaves the rat soon.
Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend

Which pending Hollywood divorce could explode one of L.A.'s top talent shops? Among the claims of the agent's former partner, set to hit court papers, are secret commission deals and a drug- and prostitute-fueled lifestyle paid for on the company expense account — and covered up by the boss.
Charlie Sheen/Denise Richards

This comic actor is known from TV and movies as a clean cut, almost nerdy, but hilarious guy. But does HE like to party! At a recent VH-1awards show in Las Vegas he hooked up with a sexy pornstar who looks just like Jessica Rabbit - hugely endowed and curvy, with flowing red hair. They spent the whole weekend holed up in his room and rarely came up for air. Nonstop shenanigans - drugs, booze and kinky sex. After that first encounter she became a frequent visitor to his place in LA. Anything goes with "Jessica" - and he's a willing partner. She likes guys to dress up in drag and he does. She even talked him into having a three way with his best friend and a good time was had by all. His friends are starting to wonder if he's "addicted" - either to her or to sex, and how far this relationship will go.
Drew Carey

Which A-list Oscar winner has a boozy brother who periodically shakes her down for money lest he shop family secrets to the press?
Reese Witherspoon

42. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/25
WHICH Hollywood actor seems to have a bit of a weed problem? He'll be right up the creek without a paddle if his missus finds out he was smoking pot out of an apple at a recent birthday party.
Matthew Lillard

--What blond TV entertainment reporter is all chipper on camera, then turns Linda Blair once the camera's off? She also needs every word scripted for her, crew members snitch.  Mary Hart; Nancy O'Dell

--Everyone on TV needs a touch of powder, but which male cable-news star requests lipstick as well?

--What high-pitched actress is going out so much, they're calling her the new Sylvia Miles? She gets paid $10,000 an appearance, we hear. Melanie Griffith

Two Old-School Blind Vices: I swear, I'd love to tell you all the one about the reality-TV dude who's diddling other guys in the pools of Hollywood boy-boy shindigs, but that one's just as tired (ultimately) as the one I'm about to spill. I mean, come on. Okay, okay, so I will do--so to speak--the guy dish first: See, there's this boob-tube celeb who's, like, rather good-looking. Meatless Member has a nice face. Decent arms 'n' legs, sweet smile--but not exactly a whole lotta sausage cookin' in the kitchen down below. I mean, it was very nervy of M.M. to start having sex with other guys in the pool, what with every bitchy fag around, just waiting to spill the beans with no frank, as it were. But M. was horny, so he did anyway--so there. I'm hardly surprised Mr. Member was there at the posh address, frolicking at a homo-happening soiree in the first place, but most of (naïve) America will be startled, fer sure. It's all very snore-pie predictable. As is Shellack Attack's latest man-romping move. I mean, many folks know Shellack's got a thing for the showier, naughtier boys--despite S.A.'s heart o' gold appeal. And this latest romance Ms. A.'s so very visibly involved in is hardly the surprise in that regard. But it should be. That's because sexy Shellack has finally found herself a man who has a bigger appetite for sno-cones, powder-style, than she does. And that's sayin' somethin'! Oy. Can't you infamous types out there please come up with some new Vices, besides drugs and dalliances? Can't somebody steal a script that results in an Academy Award from their best friend anymore? I mean, that's, like, what, a hundred years ago already, isn't it? IT’S NOT: Bart Simpson/Paula Abdul; Ashlee Simpson/Randy Jackson; Jessica Simpson/Simon Cowell

Ryan Seacrest/Heather Locklear

45. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/27
WHICH famous model performed a sex act on a dirty rocker while her boyfriend was in the next room? The lady's fella still doesn't know, despite the rocker boasting about it to anyone who will listen.

46. POPBITCH 07/27
Which LA IT-girl actress, when asked who is the biggest closet gay in Hollywood said, "George Clooney, although that's not really a closet one because everyone fucking knows it." (Clooney's way too cool to bother about caring, Cruise-style, what the cokeheads of LA say, we're sure).
Lindsay Lohan; Paris Hilton; Nicole Richie

This pretty actress has had a remarkably successful career in Hollywood - from TV to independent films. She met the man of her dreams and he happens to be one of the sexiest leading men onscreen. His chiseled physique makes all his movies memorable. She married him without realizing he changed his name to cover up his unsavory history. The guy had a drug problem, has spent time in prison, and there were child abuse charges involved. He was hustler on Santa Monica Blvd when he arrived in Hollywood and one of the men he slept with helped him get his first break. He clicked onscreen and never looked back. His sweet actress wife knows nothing of his past, and he hopes she never finds out.
Patricia Arquette/Thomas Jane

48. 3 A.M. GIRLS 07/31
WHICH hunky singer keeps pestering his ex-girlfriend for steamy sex sessions when his real girlfriend is out of town? The "squeaky-clean" fella in question wouldn't have half the attention he gets from his female fans if they knew his true colours.

49. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/01
WHICH "actress" is really mean about her ex-boyfriend's current squeeze? She is nice to the other woman's face but then makes snide comments behind her back about her "fake t**s" and nose.

50. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/02
WHICH bottle blonde pin-up was asking revellers at a sporty bash if they had any drugs? The inflatable has-been asked one guest if they had any "pick-me-ups" as her regular dealer had let her down.
Jodie Marsh

51. NY POST/PAGE SIX 08/02
--WHICH tabloid TV producer spread a false story that his beautiful entertainment reporter is dating a muscular movie star? Seems he's jealous of all the press Vanessa Minnillo gets for dating Nick Lachey. In reality, the lovely reporter dates a director, and has been for years.
Maria Menounos & Vin Diesel

--WHICH Hollywood agent is denying he left his wife and kids for one of his clients? She's a top-tier movie star recently separated from her husband, and she's denying it, too. John Campisi/Hilary Swank

--WHICH hunky actor who once picked up a young man and brought him back to the Mercer Hotel for oral sex is now hanging out with a top athlete? The two are said to be more than just workout buddies. Matthew McConaghey & Lance Armstrong

52. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/04
WHICH druggie model is panicking about her exboyfriend's threat to sell photos of her in poses that would make a hooker blush? The paranoid clothes-horse is clearly seen snorting cocaine off of her fella's unimpressive willy in the pictures.
Kate Moss

53. LAINEY'S 08/04
If you are at all a prude, you do NOT want to read this. Consider yourself warned. A couple through thick and thin - and what's the secret totogetherness? Communication, yes. But also compromise. While they have experienced tough times in the past, they have finally righted the ship, coming to terms on divisive issues, with her finally acquiescing to the one thing he used to have to get elsewhere, from those not so prim and proper or tight lipped for that matter. He's got a thing for the back door, you see? In his case, exit AND enter. In the past, it was never allowed at home - hence the wandering. But now, now that he's suffered a bit of a setback, now that he needs cheering, she's been his number 1 source of consolation - shoulder and tail. In limited rationed amounts, just enough to keep him content. After all, that's love, right? You just have to grin and bear it. Happy endings all around.
Posh Spice/David Beckham

Lordy, you Awful Truth readers are ever proud 'n' pissy, and oh honeys, I do love ya so! And just for your super-duper votes of lurve as of late, I'm shooting a humpy humdinger your way: There's a fairly talented (not as gifted as he is muscly, that's fer sure) guy who performs in front of the camera. Folks are high-gear gossin' about the boy right now, wondering if he's not having some kind of thing with a big-deal hush-hush homo. Only because, well, let's just say, Beef Slurp-a-Pop (no relation to Slurpa Pop-Off), which is his name, really isn't all that into this guy-on-guy overheated thang he's supposedly having with said celeb dude. Ted-translation: Beef's more into his plastic play-toys than his current boy-toy. Yep, ol' Beef's into the kinda adult playthings that would make even Kim Cattrall wince in painful imagination. And that's sayin' somethin'. Hey, slow down there, Mr. Supersize Stimulator! Don't forget us humans aren't nearly as raunchy and rechargeable (well, at least, not some of us).
IT'S NOT:  Will Smith; Keanu Reeves; Anderson Cooper.

55. PEREZ HILTON 08/04
What Ass of a singer may be looking hot these days thanks to her recent "work" but is making others feel just like our nickname for her? Not only did she anger fans by pulling sickouts on her most recent tour, but a mole in Chicago just told us that the lip synching dynamo doesn't have any proper drug etiquette. It seems that Ass asked a VIP host to score her with some of Chicago's finest marijuana and promised to "take care" of him for his efforts. Well, little miss fake-all-over got her weed, paid for it and bolted town without tipping the lovely person that scored the illegal substance for her. What kind of an ingrate doesn't pay gratuity when you order marijuana from your hotel??? A spoiled little girl!
Ashlee Simpson

56. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/05
WHICH US star made a mag airbrush her pictures three times as she didn't look "like a size zero?" The brunette is so desperate to look skinny she demanded full approval of all pics.
Teri Hatcher

This actor has played opposite some of the most glamorous women in Hollywood through the years - who would have guessed he was dying to get into their clothes? He's as macho as they come and even though he's not as young as he used to be, female fans STILL stand in line to see his movies. Wouldn't they be surprised to find out what he likes to do when he's relaxing at home! This actor loves to swish around the house in women's dresses and high heels. Silky sensual dresses and sexy strappy heels. He's not gay and only a few people know about this quirk. We've been told that this isn't unusual behavior for actors " of a certain age." Remember, Marlon Brando made a startling public appearance in a blonde wig, dress, and high heels while filming a documentary a few years before he died.
Jack Nicholson; Sean Connery; Bruce Willis; Michael Douglas

--Could it be that a recently buffed-up heartthrob discovered that the fastest road to fame and fortune was as a boy on the boulevard? So say sources whose loose lips threaten to damange the leading man's alternative career and family life. Although he's highly regarded for his indy work, his latest bid for mainstream success has some wondering if he's returned to his original sin - tit for tat, as it were. Just remember - horizontal stripes make everyone look fat.
Wentworth Miller; Thomas Jane

--Could it be that hot Hollywood couple is headed for a not-so-happily-ever-after ending? Rumor has it that boys from the bilingual bro's past are circling around his present. Tapes and photos have surfaced, tabloids have been contacted, but so far, nobody's taken the bait - nobody except moi. Legal actions' out of the question - then everyone will know what he did...and with whom. He'd better watch himself, 'cause his little lady can kick his ass! Freddie Prinze Jr./Sarah Michelle Gellar

59. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/08
WHO'S the not-so yummy mummy who got so stoned recently she forgot to pick up her kids from the babysitter ? The carer had to keep the children all night - and got only a £5 tip for her troubles.
Kerry Katona

One Double Do-Me Blind Vice: Skinny McScratchy is one of those under-the-radar type of dudes. He's not gorgeous or particularly impressive of deltoid, but Skinny has made quite a name for himself over the past few years. For one, he's a très talented performer. His star has been rising on the über-hip scene lately, fer sure. And second, S.M. breaks up and makes up with a certain gal who makes regular Blind Vice appearances herself more often than I change my hairstyle. (And that's sayin' something!) Peeps thought the twosome was back on, as they've been snapped together recently by paps. I wonder if said chica knows about Skinny's recent randy behavior at a do outside their Hell-Ay hometown. See, S.M. (his initials suit the boy far more than most folks realize) was flirtin' with a brunette all night. No biggie there, right? But it's what he suggested, post-pah-tay, that really raised a few eyebrows. "My assistant wants those two," said McScratch, pointing to two fetching gals nearby, as if he were picking out new shoes. M.S. then got back to himself (which, by the by, he happens to feel he's been ignoring too much as of late) and invited the brown-haired beauty back to his hotel room for late-night lust--complete with generous descriptions of kan-kee offerings to come. "Do you have any hot friends?" added Skinny. "I'll do them, too." Whoa there, partner! (The girl politely declined, by the by.) But something tells me your high-profile lady would not be too thrilled about this naughty invite. Then again, maybe she would...only if she could join. 'Cause she has been rumored to be a Sapphic sweetie herself every now and again. Crap, like who isn't in this town these days? Hey, I was gay back when it meant something. IT'S NOT: Simon Cowell; Luke Wilson; Cisco Adler
DJ AM and Nicole Richie

This oddball couple seemed like a mismatch from the get-go! Was it a rebound romance? Everyone waited for this unexpected pair to come to their senses. They have little in common - she's a beauty and he's no looker. Her last man was a sexy stud. But the offbeat pair is still together and we know why. They do have something in common: VICODIN! They're both hooked on the pills and love to get looped together. What's more, it seems to keep them both nice and thin.
Heather Locklear/David Spade

Which handsome prime-time drama star canceled a slew of interviews with British women's mags on a recent publicity tour because they wouldn't agree not to ask about his home life, which includes a boyfriend?
Wentworth Miller

Which marquee actor/comedian is known in the industry as a serial stealer of younger comics' material? His manager has to regularly send out checks to head off litigation.
Robin Williams; Denis Leary

64. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/14
WHICH American TV show host is so messed up on uppers and downers she needs to be cajoled into presenting? A runner often has to tell her how pretty and talented she is to get her to go on air. Paula Abdul

65. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/15
WHICH boozy pop star has been hiding a cocaine addiction? The singer has been treated for drink but is reluctant to go on a drugs programme lest some shameful facts are revealed.

Which fashionable reality-show contestant recently made it with that closeted actor who has very specific oral specifications about his hookups?
Matthew McConoughey and Daniel Vosovic ("Project Runway")

67. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/16
WHICH Hollywood actor hires prostitutes to play-act with him in the bedroom? His favourite scene is where he holds a gun to her head and demands oral sex.
Charlie Sheen

CAN one of our most-beautiful most-famous singers have spiraled into coke?

One Designing Woman Blind Vice: Princess Di's alive and well, did you know that? Well, not in the too thin, decrowned bod of her actual self but rather in the too thin, media-crowned puss of a boob-tube correspondent over here in the States. How fab, right? Not really, according to Traceless Turncoat's colleagues, who have been mowed down--right, left and dead-on center--by the skinny broad's ambitious climb up the proverbial little-screen ladder. Old story, right? Well, not really. 'Cause two things are diff with this ambitious babe (who has a thing fer kank-ee nooky, I'm told):

1. T2 has not slept her way to the top, a fact Trace likes to claim is due to her moral fiber but which, in reality, some people know is due to the fact that Ms. T. strangely resembles something created by, say, Jim Henson, when you catch her in just the right light, without all the coiffure and makeup bells 'n' whistles.

2. Turncoat has a hotline to most every gossip rag--blog or otherwise--in the Biz, peddling her self-serving stories wherever she can find a gullible buyer.

Not that she pays cash, mind you. She serves up dish on her interview subjects--and even her colleagues. What an effin' immoral snake! Oh, my. And folks at home in the ratings-powered hinterlands think Trace is just a sweet thang--and that her rise up the image-controlled ranks has been such the inspiration. Yeah, right. If folks only knew she's been as downright dirty as the dudes. IT'S NOT: Oprah; Greta Von Sustern; Steven Cojocaru Maria Menounos

70. PEREZ HILTON 08/18
What Jerk of a guy is wasting his wife's hard-earned money on hookers? Sources tell PerezHilton.com that whenever this pot-smoking lout goes to Vegas he always hires them to hang, etc. And, he was even so kind as to have them as extras in his skanky new "music" video!
Kevin Federline

Which reality contestant who just got kicked off the show was targeted over a more deserving deportee because the program's hostess hated her so much?

reality contestant: Bonnie
deserving deportee: Bradley
hostess: Heidi Klum "Project Runway"

A Tale of Two Grooms: Groom #1 was recently married, publicly devoted, demons supposedly tucked away, and yet was seen driving his unmistakeable vehicle into a hotel parking lot the other day. A hotel parking lot in his home town, where his home is just a few minutes away, and his wife was occupied in another state. There was no business meeting scheduled, there was no professional reason to be there - and yet and yet. Whoever could he have been up to? Then there's the friend, Groom #2, also recently wed, also known for hard core hittin', the two shared one memorable evening just one year ago, even after #1 was claimed off the market. It was an evening involving multiple young ladies, a pool, naked swimming, a Hummer, and a long night of down home loving. Two seasoned horndogs feeding off each other and off Jim Beam, living the debaucherous life - it was a night to remember and perhaps the reason why #2's new wife curtailed their celebrations, wary of what might happen should her husband be tempted by the high times of the past. Can these two grooms be tamed? The second perhaps. But the first? No one thinks no. No one at all.

Groom #1: Keith Urban
Groom #2: Kid Rock

This popular TV star was foolishly indiscriminate the first season of his hit show. He doesn't talk about the fact that he's gay, but then, he doesn't have to. He was at a party at the Argyle Hotel where he was introduced to a hunky FBI agent who gave him "that look." One thing led to another, and within an hour his friends noticed he had disappeared. Later they learned the boyish actor had been caught in the mensroom having sex with the FBI guy and hotel security booted them both OUT!
Neil Patrick Harris

74. NY POST/PAGE SIX 08/21
--WHICH news anchor's boorish behavior forced his network to shell out big bucks to several women so they would drop their sexual harassment claims? He invited the ladies out to dinner - where he often couldn't keep his hands to himself - and then badgered them to come back to his apartment. Now the network is instituting mandatory sexual-harassment-awareness classes?
Bill O'Reilly

--WHICH movie-star stud is cowering in the closet? He was spotted last month making out at Cipriani in Venice with a hot piece of man-candy? George Clooney

--WHICH sexy Latina actress who loves to talk about how much she loves her boyfriend secretly hooked up with an older gent after a recent awards show? Eva Longoria

Could it be that a certain Biblical boy has been working overtime to quell those queer rumors? So say sources who tell me that the little imp has taken to dragging along someone being described as "his girlfriend". Honey, it'll take more to fool anyone than simply growing a beard - literally and figuratively (neither of which is terrible convincing).
Elijah Wood; David Gallagher/"7th Heaven"; Matt Dallas "Kyle KY"

Which lachrymose celebrity who "just wants to be left alone" has her assistant tip off the paparazzi whenever she's about to leave the house?
Britney Spears

Which handsome Hollywooder - the one all the gay blind items are about - actually took a girl back to his room after a night of drinking at the Tribeca Grand? When she was surprised by the technique he suggested, he told her, "I don't want a paternity suit on my hands."
Jake Gyllenhaal; Matthew McConaghey

Which recent split was at least partly caused because he's back on drugs? Not that she's exactly a saint in that department herself.
Kate Hudson and Chris Robinson

79. POPBITCH 08/24
Which gay actor was seen enjoying himself in another country last weekend? The star was in the darkroom of hip Berlin fetish bar Mutschmann's, getting fisted according to an onlooker, "by a Spanish-looking guy in his mid-thirties".
Rupert Everett

One Hypocritical Blind Vice: Oh, like that's an unusual adjective in this town, huh? People who want it both ways? I swear, Hollywood playahs are just like men sometimes--they want their headlines but don't want to be eaten by them, too. So far, Bitchy Snitchy is getting that double-standard request. See, while B.S. (nice initials, huh?) is busy blasting away 'bout biz that bothers him so much, let's just say his personal life is just as offensive as what he's currently decrying in the media. The nasty nerve! Hmmm, can I be more specific? Possibly. I'll try: Bitchy, a dude who's long rumored to have a--how shall I say?--very democratic, very generous and very secretive love life, is right now, as we cyber-goss, busy schtupping somebody outside of his well-known love match. Regularly, too. Most regularly--and not all that discreetly, either, interestingly enough. Doncha love it? Guys. So predictable. As is the notion that whenever you hear somebody squawk the loudest, take a second (very close) to look at what they're screamin' 'bout. Oftentimes, it pales in comparison to what they're up to themselves.
And it's NOT: Richard Gere; Al Gore; Dr Phil
Sean Penn; Bruce Springsteen

81. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/26
WHICH singer's coke habit is a headache for her bandmates? She turns to the devil's dandruff on nights out to help her cope with low self-esteem.
Fergie of Black Eyed Peas

This exceptionally pretty actress LOOKED like she had an ideal marriage and her musician husband seemed to have given up his groupies-on-the-road days for a solid home life. When they announced their split, everyone assumed HE must have been up to no good and she caught him cheating. The public figures him for a heel. But the fact is, HE could no longer tolerate her drug abuse. This ambitious hard working beauty is hooked on powerful prescription drugs and she's in denial. Her estranged husband is too much of a gentleman to point the finger - so far.
Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora

83. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/28
WHICH rock'n'roll groupie, who has two kids by two fathers, seems to have set her sights on one of her ex's mates? She was all over him backstage at Leeds on Sunday, and he was enjoying the attention.
Patsy Kensit; Lisa Moorish

Which A-list yacht-setter recently walked out on his five-figure tab at an exclusive Sardinian nightclub? Apparently, the suits he designs don't have pockets in them.
P. Diddy

Which superstar celebrity stylist makes extra sure her clients fit into her clothes? She delivers dresses to their homes with prescription diet pills in the pockets.
Rachel Zoe

86. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/30
WHICH serial shagging soft rocker loathes the music he makes so much that he even named his band after the drug he uses to console himself?
Pearl Jam: a peyote jelly jam (hallucinogenic drug)

87. NY POST/PAGE SIX 08/30
--WHICH TV star is doing a little too much cocaine? The actor recently went to the Soho Grand where he "did lines out in the open bar," and at the Emmys he "wore a dirty brown shirt and smelled of drugs."
Adrian Grenier

--WHICH recently separated couple liked to have another woman join them in the bedroom? Sadly for the husband, his wife liked the women more than him - and when he finally banned others from his bed, his wife realized she was no longer attracted to him at all. Russell and Kimora Lee Simmons

No More Favours: He was down and out a few years ago, far from the clout he currently wields on and off screen, willing and able to do anything - anything - to land a role. One evening, a chance encounter with an elite very well regarded, very gay Hollywood player who made some promises with one condition: let me give pleasure, you enjoy, and I'll hook you up (a move he works quite often). Apparently, when you're trying to find work, being on the oral receiving end of things doesn't constitute homo. Off they go and they finish, they part ways, the giver gets to boast of his pretty conquest, news of which travels far and wide, while the receiver scored a decent role or two, nothing exciting, he keeps working at it, the big break comes, and ta da - he's finally back in the game. And then very recently, they run into each other, at which point the benefactor expresses interest in a quick revisit, perhaps a thank you for the kickstart? Needless to say, fame and success put things in a much different perspective. On this occasion, he not only refused the advance, he did so alarmingly loudly, acting as though the previous trade-off never happened. Very defensive, feigning injury, insulted at the suggestion, to the embarrassment not only of the person making the request, but also his publicist who spends way too much time deflecting the rumours to begin with.
Ryan Seacrest & Merv Griffin

89. 3 A.M. GIRLS 08/31
WHICH pop singer was snubbed by a major urban awards ceremony because one of her label mates - who has been nominated - can't go? She won't be smiling when she finds out.

Last updated:  September 5, 2006