May and June 2001

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MAY 2001

Wonder why houses on that secluded, winding road in the Hollywood Hills have become a favorite spot to have parties that feature binoculars and telescopes?  It's because those houses are within spying distance of the one inhabited by that hot young TV and movie actor. It seems the sexy young newcomer isn't shy about traipsing around his pad and yard in the jaw-dropping altogether. He doesn't seem to be unaware that neighbors are watching, in fact, he seems to love it. And from the household-name actresses who've been seen romping with him in heavy rotation, word's gotten out that his huge talent isn't limited to his acting.

Friends and coworkers are scratching their heads and laughing uproariously among themselves over how this hot lily-white girl has suddenly started talking and moving like she's auditioning to join the soulful Destiny's Child. She's turning up on set in ghetto street-wear, shaking her generous booty to ear-splitting rap and hip-hop on her Walkman, and making the scene at edgy urban clubs. We know she's been trying to shake up her squeaky clean image, but her faux ghetto-fabulous antics are making her the butt of jokes all over town. Melissa Joan Hart

3. STAR...05/01
#1. Girls love this chart-topping pop star because he's so handsome and ultra sexy. He has a longtime girlfriend, but one thing they don't agree on is drugs. She doesn't do them, but he likes to go on occasional binges. She seems oblivious to the fact that when he does indulge, he hits on guys! Recently, he ended up in the Jacuzzi at a Hollywood A-list drug party. As usual, his girlfriend wasn't there. After he ingested Ecstasy, he was heard begging a cute guy sharing the Jacuzzi for sex! The guy turned him down, but he can't stop gossiping about the incident.
JC Chasez

#2. This hunky NYPD Blue cast member is afflicted with the gift that keeps on giving: herpes! And he's been dragging around the virus for at least a decade, and spreading it generously. Now, one of his former conquests is threatening to go public with how she inherited the little bug from the hunk on the first night they did it. Rick Schroeder; Dennis Franz; Esai Morales

4. GLOBE..05/01
This aging rock star loves to dress up in sexy female lingerie and prance around in the privacy of his bedroom. He's a frequent shopper at Victoria's Secret and always tells the salesgals he's buying the lacy panties and negligess for his "girlfriend", but they're actually for himself. Rod Stewart; David Lee Roth

5. STAR....05/08 
#1 . Tinseltown would be surprised to learn that this romance - one of the most publicized of the last decade - was a sham! The lovely lady recently confessed to friends that in all the couple's years together, they NEVER had sex. She adored her partner and he was a perfect and generous gentleman. The two had lots in common and did everything together -- except in the bedroom. He was, and is, quietly gay but she was so fond of him she put up with it. Finally, she grew weary of the sexless relationship and moved on.

#2 . The 12-year old son of this future hall-of-fame athlete known for his charity work must be having some weird conversations with his dad around the dinner table. The boy has been working his way through his fancy private middle school in Florida, telling fellow kids that he's transferring to a parochial school because it's less ethnic than his current one. Hmmm...wonder where he's getting that from? Dan Marino

#1 - There's often a change in the atmospheric pressure when a celeb sweeps into a room, but one certain longtime looker makes such an impression guests have to grab for something to keep them from fainting. Like a can of Lysol. Oy, the odors that waft from this semi-aging actor! Ferget your thoughts of Ben-Gay, Beano or plain ol' B.O. The prob emanates from the cheery chap's addiction to holistic herbs, which when taken in large doses, can make the taker stink out the wazoo. While recently shooting a flick, the expensively haired hottie frequented an upscale massage parlor in the area. (Now, wipe that drool off your face--this pay-by-the-hour joint joint is a legit operation.) First off, what a stinky 'tude: The hunk berated the owners because of their coffee selection, which he crappily called "camel piss." We'll just leave how he knows of such liquid treats fer another time, shall we? Meanwhile, in the deknotting quarters, the unsuspecting kneader working on the hunk's well-toned (and well-photographed) back nearly saw her breakfast smoothie return in reverse, so radiant was his aroma. The shop's keepers spent the next two days with their windows open, attempting to air out the sickening whiffs. How rotten was it? "Worse than garbage," claim the afflicted. And there's no way they were talking about the dude's last movie. At least, I don't think they were.
 Mel Gibson; Peter O'Toole; Richard Harris; Roger Moore; Michael Caine; Dustin Hoffman

HINTS 05/05
From pookadook: Is Nick Nolte the massaged stinker in this week's One (Odorous) Blind Vice?
--Good guess, but you have the wrong smelly kitty. Not even close, actually. Think a bit older.
* * *
From candigrrl: Is it Sylvester Stallone?
--Very interesting that you ask, because I've heard the boy has a smelly habit or two. But, no, I'm afraid it's not Sly--you slypuss! You certainly have large nostrils, don't you?
* * *
From tryagain: Is it Burt Reynolds?
--You guys are too sharp for me today. That's the best one I've heard yet. Sorry it's not true, but it's a helluva lot closer than Nic Cage.
* * *
From lauderdaledude: How about Sean Connery?
--Okay, this is the last one we're taking on the smelly Blind Vice. The answer is no, no, no. But you have the right hairy type, fer shure.

HINT 05/10
Dear Ted: I think the stinky herb guy is Steven Seagal.

--If he paid a lot for that 'do, the dude deserves his dough back.

BLIND ITEM #2 - Since the Clintons vacated their Washington digs for the more peaceful pastures of New Yawk (for the moment), a new semi-scandal has taken over everyone's imagination inside the Beltway. (That's D.C., dolls, not the accessories department at Neiman's.) Buzz is that a politico who's tight with the Shrub has launched a scalding liaison with another high-profile member of that party who effectively decided the election for the voters. (Or as some like to call balloting: vote, schmote.) What's even weirder is that the downright diligent Washington press corps (is there anything you don't know about what went on in Bill's Oval Office hallway?) is reportedly avoiding the sordid deeds for fear of a backlash. More like backwash. Please! That Potomac gets skankier every year, doesn't it? Polluted P.S.: Wonder if the really high-powered stinky affair that was also known by everybody at the Washington Post during Shrub Sr.'s tenure will come to the surface during Junior's term? Hmmm. Let's just say I'm not throwing away my scum filter just yet. Ari Fleischer

HINT 05/05
From johncusack: What's the D.C. Blind Item you mentioned in this week's column? Spill some blood.
--It's pretty obvious, babycakes. I know you are a smart guy--you can figure it out.

HINTS 05/12
From allison: Is last week's Blind Vice Val Kilmer? I had dinner next to him in Santa Fe, and I couldn't get over the smell. Incidentally, although he tried to look like a local mountain man, he was the only one wearing an Armani shirt with tattered Ralph Lauren shorts and pricey hiking boots.
--The answer is no, but the next time you go dissing some hunk's pungent bod, remember, one man's stink is another's brink.

7. Filth2Go...05/07
#1. Could it be that a certain Tony-winning actor is making the rounds of  New York sex parties? Unlike his most memorable character, the lithe lad is a highly sexual animal who enjoys his group activities as much as well, as much as I do! But you will almost never find me "breathing" constantly into a handkerchief while on all fours in the middle of a large group of horny men of various ethnicities. Call me crazy, but I'm a bit more faithful in my extracurricular activities - regardless how ravenous I may be. But not our little wiggler, who seemed to lower his expectations (and his pants) while the band played on. Matthew Broderick; Stephen Spinella; Alan Cummings

#2. Could it be that a certain legendary actress has a big credibility problem? She may, she may not. But the finicky gal told me that although she's received her share of accolades and awards, she can't find a decent film role to save her life. Even her attempts at theatre have backfired, with the majority of reviews referring to her as simply a "film actress". "That's a load of crap," she confided. "In Hollywood, I've never been considered much of an actress anyway. I'm more a famous widow." If nothing else, you can't say that she hasn't woken up and smelled the coffee. Lauren Bacall

8. GLOBE...05/08
This popular actress loves to keep her wardrobe up-to-date and loathes having to wear the same thing twice. She visits various designer BevHills boutiques, buying one expensive outfit after another so she can look different at various events and appointments. Then she has her assistant do her dirty work and return them. The clothes usually end up reeking of body odor, so it's obvious that they've been worn. Disgusted clerks reluctantly take them back because store policy decrees the customer must be satisfied. But they're getting really fed up.
Goldie Hawn

9. POPSTITCH 05/09
#1 - Which British male singer was so out of it on booze and drugs that the vocals on his first album had to be painstakingly assembled, line by slurred line, and then artificially corrected to the right note, using Autotune? Robert Smith

#2 - Which popular TV comedian with a penchant for gay threesomes was said by a participant to be "a little sweaty down below"...Graham Norton

#3 - Which "blue" comedian after discovering he had pulled an exceptionally convincing drag queen, belied his homophobic reputation by slipping on a rubber and being "the daddy"? Martin Lawrence

10. E! ONLINE....TED CASABLANCA....05/10
This unquestionable hottie is expected to score big with a summer flick, but he has spent some of his pre-premiere break seeking out another kind of hit.

Taking a break from the tense Hell-Ay scene, this hot young dude decided to crash a crowded club on the Skyscraper Coast. The venue was a low-key hang that usually doesn't attract celebs; needless to say, his appearance awed the sedate slurpers.

Friendly, without a doubt. No egotistical airs. Not bashful, either. That is, the hunk openly inquired about where he could score a snort.

And, darlin', if you think for one sec this is about nasal spray, you're sniffin' at the wrong substance. Ben Affleck; Heath Ledger; Tobey Maguire; Edward Norton

HINT 05/12
From heidilk: Hi, Ted! Luv your column. Is this week's Blind Vice Edward Furlong?
--Sorry, babycakes, Edward may have his moments, but this week's Blind Vice isn't one of him.

HINT 05/17
Dear Ted: Last week's Blind Vice was so easy. The unpretentious snorter is that spank-me hottie Josh Harnett from Pearl Harbor.
--Oh, yeah, right. Keep sniffing. Hint: The cutie in question isn't quite as cuddly as Josh.

11. NY POST/PAGE SIX...05/11
--WHICH Oscar-winning actor is dating a male Yale drama student? The 20-year age gap isn't posing any problems . . . Kevin Spacey

--WHICH recently remarried socialite pulled a fast one on the New York Times? The wedding announcement cited a "previous marriage," but omitted mention of the marriage previous to the previous marriage . . .  Diane Von Furstenberg

--WHICH randy "Survivor 2" stars couldn't keep their hands off each other at Lotus, where they crept into the men's bathroom and were caught having sex? Colby and Alicia per US Magazine

12. NY POST/PAGE SIX...05/14
--WHICH basketball star married his surprisingly young fiancee only because her parents threatened to have him arrested for statutory rape? Seems the premarital action began before the age of consent. . . Kobe Bryant

--WHICH heartthrob screen actor parties at West Hollywood’s gay club Rage, but without his steady boyfriend who lives in Silver Lake? . . .

--WHICH British actor is doing a bit too much research for his next movie role? The dapper old lad is prowling the gay district in London and picking up boys left and right. Roger Moore plays "an elegant gay man" in "Boat Trip"

13. STAR 05/15
#1 - This guy appears on one of America's top game shows. He's as gay as they come, but he's no Adonis, so he uses the show to lure muscular hunks. Beefy male contestants get special 'coaching' from him in exchange for sex. His last boytoy walked away with nearly $100,000. We can't tell you which show, but look for the one with the best looking male contestants! Bruce Vilanch

#2 - This cast member of the production Muhammad Ali movie was thisclose to getting some unwanted publicity recently. He disappeared in a bathroom for a few minutes with one of the four girls he took up to his hotel room, and shortly after the two came out, the girl started overdosing on an unidentified drug. Emergency personnel took care of the passed out wannabe model. Cops looked around for evidence but couldn't find any. Like I said: thisclose. Jamie Foxx

14.  GLOBE 05/15
This hot rock star is so addicted to porn that he wanted access to X-rated flicks from all over the world 24 hours a day. He recently shelled out more than $100,000 to have satellite equipment installed in his million dollar LA home and now spends more time watching movies than hanging out at his old haunts - strip clubs and massage parlors. He's always got a house full of famous guests, including 'happily married' stars and one squeaky-clean teen idol, who wants to keep a low profile when it comes to their 'dark' side. Fred Durst; Jonathan Davis from Korn

15. Filth2Go..05/15
Could it be that one of entertainment's most outspoken critics has a secret of her own? While everyone has been cooing over her flattering new "do", this doyenne is mighty pleased that a possible catastrophe has become such a positive experience. The problem began months ago when the raconteur was experiencing postpartum depression - once removed. In the midst of a screaming match with her equine daughter, the lady who is best known for cutting people to the quick did the same thing - to her own hair! After her frenzied act of rebellion, she was left with a hacked-up mess that looked not unlike a neglected rhododendron. What to do? With hours to go before a major television appearance, she called three stylists and implored them to work wonders in the privacy of her hotel room. Several hours later, she emerged with her most refreshing look yet. Just goes to show that when life gives you lemons, use them to lighten your hair! Joan Rivers

16. Filth2Go..05/21
Could it be that a certain favorite subject for our blind items has attempted to bring his homosexual proclivities to the big screen? So say my sources within the production company of a new film, who tell me that a certain sex scene shows the willing and enthusiastic jock bottoming with panache (you know what they say - practice makes perfect). Sadly, I'm told that this footage will never see the light of day unless someone harvests it from the cutting room floor. This excision does not take away from the storytelling aspect of the flick - in fact, it enhances it. Because of this cut, a sigh of relief has emanated from the powers that be on the actor's weekly drama, who were horrified that the image of their hero would be tarnished by even the suggestion that he is anything less than heterosexual. Honey, slightly less doesn't even scratch the surface. James Van der Beek

BLIND ITEM #1 - There's an attractive young lad of both TV and big-screen stuff. Think fare for the Clearasil set.

This darling has had more than a few bouts of straying from his beloved chick-pal, which he misguidedly blames on the objects of his extracurricular canoodling. Clearly, taking responsibility for his actions is not a strong suit.

Nevertheless, his boisterous boudoir behavior has attracted lasses interested in a raunchy romp.

What's he into? Biting, for one. No skin breakage, but his nips are nasty enough to elicit a minor yelp. And for a fairly diminutive dude, he's hardly lacking, say those familiar with his amorous ac-shuns.

Any come-hither kank-kay-ness usually pales once the babes learn he has a crooked compulsion: kleptomania. Word is the guy has lifted numerous objects from the homes of his liaisons, and he has never apologized or returned the loot.

What gall. So, what's a gal to do? I'd say boycott his flicks, but it's awfully hard to resist those forceful comedies in which he has appeared.

Just get more insurance? Seth Green; Joshua Jackson; Sean Patrick Thomas

BLIND ITEM #2 - Steam rooms might be scorching, but it was a compelling actor who generated all the sweats when he visited the Kabuku Hot Springs sweatbox in San Francisco.

The spa, a nice (though not elite) estab, is nestled in the Japantown area of S.F. Poifectly matched to the chap's personality, which exudes an air of valuing privacy, without the demanding demeanor of a diva.

There this well-toned dish sat, totally bare, legs spread open, with a razor in one hand shaving a body part that most people leave, well, non-bald.

More morsels? You got it. The exposed dude isn't averse to karaoke, which doesn't really help solve the puzzle but is interesting nonetheless. Wouldn't shock me at all if his voice was velvety.

Oh, and while those who have seen him unswathed rave about those objects that usually remain hidden, I assure you he's nothing but delish when clothed in drier environs. Keanu Reeves

HINTS 05/19
From kcrieck: Is the answer to this week's One Blind Vice James Van Der Beek?
--Way too young, babycakes. Not even the right medium. Also, the hairless boy is not nearly as pretty.

From zillab: Eric McCormack loves karaoke, Ted. Is he the shaver?
--No, he's not my dear. Again, wrong medium. Think big picture...and a bit older. too.

From snobmom: I'm all for the new trend of hairless hunks, but shaving in front of others?! Gross! Shouldn't Ewan know better?
--Wrong leading man, dearest. And, girlfriend, you are way off. Think a little bit more fast paced and fast moving, and you just might get it.

HINT 05/24
Thanks for brightening my week each Thursday. Would the actor in your Two Blind Vice item, the possibly "velvet"-toned, karaoke-crazed spa stud, be either Kyle MacLachlan or Christian Bale?

--Nope to both. The unclothed chap in question has been around longer and will stay around longer, if you ask me.

HINT 08/30
Dear Ted: Saw something in Jane magazine that was a wannabe rip-off of Ted C. Remember that Blind Vice on Laurence Fishburne (about him shaving his head at a spa)? Well, your clever insinuation worked. Jane printed something about it--with no credit to you, natch--but said straight up that the star was shaving his, um, well, the veg near the meat, if you know what I mean (and I'm sure you do). Hilarious. Those Jane gals will fall for anything, no? Keep 'em comin', doll.
--Babe, you may have started somethin' here: answering a Blind Vice correctly. Very good, sugarplum--you peek with aplomb! Let's see, what should I reward you with? Bics for life? You'll let me know, won't you? As far as my copycat brigade goes, oh, let 'em bumble and bungle, for all I care. Guess those naughty gals 'n' guys at Tarzan, or whatever it's called, just assume any naked part of a star I'm talking about always has to be peekaboo material. Suckers. (So to speak.)

HINT 09/27
Dear Ted: I would fantasize about you if you were heterosexual. I don't think I've ever found a gay man so sexy (well, besides Rupert Everett). Anyhoo, I was perusing columns of yours I missed (I know, shame on me) and would like to guess the Blind Vice for May 17. It sounds like Seth Green. Am I right?

--Thanks, sweets, so sorry I can't be a part of your romantic, dreamy life. Doesn't seem fair, somehow. So Hollywood. So departmentalized. And as far as Seth goes, I am starting to answer some of those obnoxious Blind Vices. But, dollface, there's a two-month moratorium on my answers. (Now, if you had said I could be a member of your salacious Serta club, I'd have made it four).

18. Filth2Go...05/21
Could it be that a certain favorite subject for our blind items has attempted to bring his homosexual proclivities to the big screen? So say my sources within the production company of a new film, who tell me that a certain sex scene shows the willing and enthusiastic jock bottoming with panache (you know what they say - practice makes perfect). Sadly, I'm told that this footage will never see the light of day unless someone harvests it from the cutting room floor. This excision does not take away from the storytelling aspect of the flick - in fact, it enhances it. Because of this cut, a sigh of relief has emanated from the powers that be on the actor's weekly drama, who were horrified that the image of their hero would be tarnished by even the suggestion that he is anything less than heterosexual. Honey, slightly less doesn't even scratch the surface. James Van der Beek

19. STAR 05/22 #1
This lovely actress is on a hit TV series and is considered to be one of the best catches in town. She's pretty, single and rich. But for some reason, she bypasses the attractive and powerful men in Hollywood who pursue her, and chooses to quietly date a bartender. The catch is the bartender works at an exclusive lesbian bar that caters to the cream of the A-list gay women in Hollywood. And yes, the drink slinger is a woman.
Megan Mullaly

20. STAR 05/22 #2
This leggy stunner now appearing in the big-screen bomb Town & Country is so taken by Scientology that she routinely tires to convert new acquaintances.  While filming the critically bashed flick, she befriended her on-the-set assistant/chauffeur, then tried to talk her into joining the sect. The assistant declined. Her relationship with our mystery beauty soured. Three days later, the assistant was pink-slipped. Jenna Elfman

21. GLOBE 05/22
This former 70's TV honey has been making regular trips to a psychic. She asks questions like: "Will I continue to have problems with alcoholism in the future? Do I have a chance at a real relationship? Am I too old to conceive a child? Why am I so confused about my sexuality? Who was I in a past life?  Why am I no longer taken seriously?" Hey, even the psychic is beginning to question her sanity. Farrah Fawcett; Stephanie Powers

I can't name names now, but can you guess the identity of a TV doc who's been making huge hush-hush payments to his ex-wife so she won't blab about catching him making love to her younger sister. Eriq LaSalle; Ted Danson

You've seen him on TV. You think he's not your type--a tad this size of Sleazeville--and then suddenly you get swept up in that simply studly gaze.

Well, this bud booted to Vegas for the weekend, camping in a posh Hard Rock Hotel room. Entered the swank casino solo, met two tasty ladies downstairs and invited them to join him for a more private meeting in his space.

While one femme received the full boudoir treatment (pity the inn's housekeepers), her friend just watched the aggressive ac-shun. Good thing the guy's not shy. And confirmation from both babes is that there's little free footage in his shorts.

He would've asked the doll duo to hang for the whole night, but--whoops--his devoted lady love was a mere two hours away. Interestingly, he described said amour as "Mexican," which she isn't by any account. Tricky devil, that one.

And in case you're reading something into that Mexican comment, no, he's not Benjamin Bratt. Far from it. James Gandolfini

HINT 05/31
Dear Ted: Even though I've written you about two other Blind Vices and heard nada, I'm not offended. For this week's Blind Vice, the slightly sleazy, undeniably studly "Michael" of Roswell springs to mind. Isn't he offscreen steady with onscreen "Maria"? So sad if it's him, but what the hey, he's young and hot, but hopefully safe.
--You're so scarily close, you're almost as scalding as your state's summer sun (and voting record).

What daughter of a top Washington leader has been smoking some fragrant shrub behind the door of her Eastern college dorm room? Barbara Bush

1. What clean-scrubbed, nice-to-the-point-of-boring movie actress was once a strung-out junkie who roomed with that lovable rock slag and that sitcom brunette, both of whom were also skanky drug 'hos?

2. What shady guy whom you wouldn't want to do your taxes got cornholed by that quirky rock star at a party I unfortunately wasn't invited to?

3. What designing man involved in that new project is the perfect dude for the job, since he's an ex-gay who, thanks to EST, is now totally "cured" and married? Brad Pitt

4. Who used to be known as "the gay rapper" before he became straight and famous? Sisqo

5. What popular singer is even more popular thanks to going out and getting herself a boob job the day after the Grammys? (Though I'm sure she'd rather have won an award.) Christina Aguilera

6. What celeb elegantly said of her ex-girlfriend, "I would never wear the clothes designed by that cunt"? (Me neither-too expensive.)

7. What movie-star-turned-camp-actress screamed her lungs out when her husband had a heart attack, tied as she was to the hubby in a bondage-and-domination scene the maid allegedly found them in? Sharon Stone

8. What follically challenged movie stud ordered a hair-growth product from Europe and was ecstatic to find that it actually worked? (It didn't wash away those gay rumors, though.) Brendan Fraser; John Travolta; Kevin Spacey; Vin Diesel; Bruce Willis; Tom Cruise

9. What funnyman was in the midst of getting a blowjob from his boyfriend when they had a fight, prompting said boyfriend to bite the appendage, which apparently is so small you could keep servicing it while articulately arguing your case?

10. What busty gold digger has been dating a truck-driving lesbian housepainter? Anna Nicole Smith

11. What supposedly sweet TV star is really a bitch on wheels who drives subordinates right into the mental ward with her demands? Rosie O'Donnell; Melina Kanakarades; Melissa Joan Hart; Calista Flockhart; Moesha/Brandy

12. Who took to the tequila bottle when her tour failed and has been drunkenly gurgling on about her plummeting career ever since? Why, for once, is she right? Diana Ross

13. What talk show host tried to hold her man's hand in public view at a store, only to have him crudely rebuff her romantic gesture (not that this is any indication of their relationship, mind you)? Kelly Ripa/Mark Consuelos

14. What fashion world presence's boyfriend chats up potential tricks at the gym, informing at least one of them that he's an ex-hustler? (Funny, he's never told the boyfriend.) Tom Ford; Tommy Hilfiger

15. What unemployed journo was partly done in by an Eve Harrington-like fellow employee he'd helped to hire? Craig Rivera

16. What TV show had to truly face reality when a case of herpes broke out among the participants, causing production to halt until all the blisters subsided?

17. What esteemed British actor won't come out because he hasn't gotten around to telling his 1000-year-old mother he's gay? Terence Stamp; Albert Finney; Peter O'Toole; Derek Jacobi; Jonathon Hyde; John Hannah

18. What movie executive enjoys massages by boys in underwear and socks, specifically insisting the young ones work on his fabulous feet? David Geffen

19. What male singer likes to have that female singer finger his ass-proof that he must be straight, right? Justin and Britney

20. What aging starlet's brother is married with children, but regularly navigates his gigantic schlong around a public park, where he picked up a friend of mine? What does he say about his sister? (Free answer: "She's a no-talent slut.")  Christina Applegate; Nicolette Sheridan

21. What mirthful gay guy hires male porn stars to come over and push his "taint"-that delightful area between your testes and your ass-back and forth for hours, until he loudly climaxes? Is there enough money in the world? ('Taint your business to answer that.) House of Mirth's writer/director Terence Davies; Nathan Lane

22. What musical act lost a member to AIDS, but said it was cancer, and still won't do AIDS benefits for "image" reasons? The Cars; KISS; The Ramones

23. What legend's daughter once weepily said to Mama, "My husband's gay," to which the diva replied, "Now, honey, that's not bad for the first one"? What the hell are the daughter and the queen still doing together? Christopher Guest and Jamie Lee Curtis /Janet Leigh

24. What megastar went into a jealous snit on the set of his upcoming movie when a cameo performer got a little too friendly with the flick's younger male star?

25. Which problematic second-tier boy-group member was recently working as an escort for a little cash on the side? Richie from 'Five'

26. What music biz survivor spotted a hot babe across the room and, with tongue hanging out, demanded to be introduced to her, only to realize she's his goddaughter? Mick Jagger; Steven Tyler; Gene Simmons

27. What faded star is addicted to anything sweet and caffeinated and loves to squeeze chocolate syrup into her coke (a-Cola)?

28. Remember that model's drug period? Well, did you know that in the midst of it, she got some momentary pleasure watching a male friend do it with a hustler he'd picked up in Penn Station-though she couldn't manage to coerce a gal pal to come upstairs and gawk too? Kate Moss; James King; Bridget Hall

29. Do you also remember when I told you that a certain politico was regularly commingling with a mistress for Sunday-night Sopranos-and-stuff trysts at the Marriott? Didn't it all come true? What other politician was recently dining with three blond bimbos, one of whom was inventively giving him a handjob through his pants?

30. Who warned his boss about his brewing sex scandal, but left out one crucial detail? Andrew Sullivan

31. Who propositioned another person in the steam room?

32. Which TV-star-turned-movie-star who's married to that other TV-star-turned-movie-star was just observed letting her daughter pee in the dirt in Central Park? (I'm selling the wet soil on eBay.) Tea Leoni

33. What rough-hewn singer boasts about having gotten a "green diamond" from that male superstar, not realizing they actually have a separate word for it: emerald?

26. NY POST/PAGE SIX...05/26
--WHICH producer of a TV news magazine has been slapped more than once with sexual harassment charges? His bosses pay off the women to keep them quiet . .

--WHICH son of a gaming mogul is hairless down under? The naturally furry fellow visits a spa every couple of weeks and gets his nether region waxed . .

--WHICH star of a top-rated reality TV show allowed his girlfriend to have too much to drink at Metronome one night? He was able to get her outside, but she tossed her cookies on the sidewalk.

27. Filth2Go...05/28
Could it be that another super couple is on the skids? This one involves those two naughty male super models who have been having a so-called "secret affair" that has been the worst kept secret in the biz. With everyone talking about them, it was only a matter of time before they had to either come forward or self destruct. What I never would have expected is that one of them would find love elsewhere - particularly with that strapping tousled mate of his to come home to. But stray he did, and the injured party discovered this infidelity when he walked out of the bathroom (or, as they call it in England, the loo) and saw his partner in a compromising position (I believe it was the missionary position). Sources close to the couple say that they're working through the difficult times, while others say that they can't be alone in the same room. Either way, I'm available to pick up the pieces. Tyson and Markus Schenkenburg

28. NY POST/PAGE SIX...05/29
--WHICH handsome leading man had to pay off the family of a pimply faced youth? The angry parents were threatening to have him charged, but silence was bought via a prestigious Santa Barbara lawyer.  John Travolta

--WHICH still-beautiful former beauty queen tried to keep the breakup with her boyfriend a secret? Now she's also keeping it secret that she is an outpatient at Sloan-Kettering, the nation's top cancer hospital. Bess Myerson

29. STAR 05/29
This luscious supermodel has always been wild, but she manages to pull her act together and show up for work looking decent. She doesn't want to be seen in public doing drugs, so she keeps it under cover. Lately, she's been hooking up with a handsome bad-boy actor who's SUPPOSED to be on the wagon. They get together for sex-filled cocaine and ecstasy binges on weekends. Then they separate and spend the rest of the week cleaning up. So far, no one's the wiser.

30. STAR 05/29 #2
When a guest turned up for the Oprah Winfrey show with an entourage of 10 people- including a hairdresser, make up artist, two stylists, a yoga teacher, masseuse etc. the talk show host hit the roof. "Get them out of here." Oprah yelled, "This is MY show and I don't have 1/2 as many people paying attention to me." The guest was given an ultimatum: "Tell them to go away, or don't do the show." Finally, the woman dismissed them and Oprah had her staff look after the gal. Julia Roberts

I can't name names now, but...which billionaire Hollywood legend lives in a mansion but hasn't so much as given one red cent to help his sister move out of the crime ridden drug dealer infested slum she calls home?

32. GLOBE 05/29
This married sitcom star recently started taking private yoga lessons. The stretches and tantric poses were supposed to spice up his marriage -- not put it in jeopardy. His unsuspecting wife has no clue that his weekly one-hour classes always end with hot, sweaty sex sessions. And she'll probably never figure it out because her hubby has more stamina than an 18 year old!
Eric McCormack; Ray Romano

33. E! ONLINE...TED CASABLANCA.....05/31
"A sweet-faced femme with a rotten 'tude." Words that could describe a slate of beauts in this town. Few, however, are putrid enough to reduce seasoned PR toughies to tears (of frustration)--which is exactly what went on with one snippy actress on the rise.

This big-screen stunner was such a raging pain-in-the-tuchas that her studio PR peeps divided their time between trying not to cry and plotting the dame's demise.

Whilst on the way to premiere festivities this month, for example, the lass endlessly moaned about desperately needing a restroom respite. Her driver obediently pulled the car into the next joint with an available loo--a McDonald's, the only place nearby. "I'm not going in there!" the cranky chick wailed. (What, she thinks there's a Four Seasons on every street in America?)

After weeks of misery, one studio flack was beyond psyched that his gig was almost over. Needless to say, he was shocked when the stunner thanked him, by name, "for all your help." Suddenly struck that the gal might not be so bad (just an average spoiled perfectionist), he sincerely responded, "You're welcome."

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you," snapped the snot. "I was talking to my stylist."

Not surprisingly, the babe's spawn-of-Satan personal publicist wasn't helping. By comparison, she was making her client look like a perfect angel.

The studio fellah flipped and called the personal rep a "[that unprintable four-letter word beginning with C]."

When a mucho-major mag heard about the incident, the editors sent flowers to the beleaguered studio dude for finally telling off the widely reviled rep.

And trust me, more than a dozen noses smell who I'm talkin' about. Jennifer Lopez

HINTS 06/02
From luxie: I have a feeling that this week's Blind Vice is American Beauty's Mena Suvari. I've heard about her rotten 'tude in the past. Am I close?
--Doll babe, how can I put this? No. But I'm feeling perky from my tea, so here's a hint: Those who know this broad know too well that this is hardly new behavior she's pulling. And by the way, I've given you a mucho grande hint within the past 50 words.

From lissa: Oh, and this week's Blind Vice can only be Jennifer Lopez.
--No comment on the blind-item guess. I've already given all the hints I'm giving on that one today, baby.

HINTS 06/07
Dear Ted: Is last week's Blind Vice Minnie Driver? She looks so pinched and unpleasant, despite her lovely clothes.

--Minnie's a nope.
* * *
Dear Ted: I wanted to take a guess at your Blind Vice for last week. Is it Elizabeth Hurley? I feel pretty confident. Let me know!
--Ooh, excellent guess. So good, in fact, I could almost take a ruler and measure how close you are.

34. MOVIELINE June **Blind Item #1**
Hipsters on both coasts are gabbing about those two gorgeous, publicity-hungry young movie stars who love to get into very heavy petting in public places like crowed after-parties, restaurants, clubs, taxis - anywhere there's a potential audience - and especially when there are lurking paparazzi. The photogenic twosome seems to delight in thinking it's shocking people when the only thing shocking in how desperate the pair is about trying to get noticed. What's even funnier (or sadder, if you like) is that friends swear left and right almost nothing intimate goes on between them when the shades are drawn. Heather Graham/Heath Ledger

35. MOVIELINE June **Blind Item #2**
This edgy young actress's ego is expanding even faster than her career. Not so long ago she had a few TV and movie credits to her name, but since appearing in one smash movie, she's already gotten way out of hand. Check her out at L.A.'s top shops, beauty salons, gyms and spas where, true to her street ways, she brushes past mere mortals to demand immediate attention to her every need. Aside from that, the newcomer makes absurd salary demands and has left her handlers know that she won't audition even for big projects. Six more months of behavior like this and the best jobs she'll be getting are roles on WB series. Jennifer Lopez; Lucy Lui; Natasha Lyonne; Mena Suvari; Julia Stiles; Chloe Sevigny

36. NY POST/PAGE SIX...06/04
--WHICH heir to a huge fortune pulled up to Basilico in Southampton the other night, leaving his big Bentley blocking the driveway? Mr. Moneybags gave a $1 bill to the manager, who was still laughing over the measly tip hours later . .

--WHICH legendary comic actor's tiny dog was attacked and killed by a screech owl at his country estate?

37. Filth2Go...06/04
#1. Could it be that a certain pop star is sad? Our very own bilingual beauty has caused tongues to wag all along the last national tour by carrying on a torrid affair with a "massage therapist" of the same sex. With several dates scheduled for this summer, the employees from the earlier tour were offered their jobs back, and everyone signed on - except for one. Yup - the "massage therapist" (I'd love to see that job description). Some say that this person is holding out for more money. Others wonder if the relationship simply went south (perhaps not as far south as the singer did). One thing's for sure - sounds like there'll be a whole lotta less shakin' goin' on this time around. Ricky Martin

#2. Could it be that a certain star of both the small and large screens has been exploring her Sapphic tendencies while on hiatus? So say sources at that trendy West Hollywood eatery, who tell me that our flaxen-tressed beauty has met quite a number of lovely ladies who have frequented her watering hole. She tends to play down her celebrity status by simply introducing herself as Mandy and leaving out other details. Oh, Mandy - you're such a scream. Portia de Rossi, whose real name is Mandy Rogers.

38. NY POST/PAGE SIX....06/05
--WHICH hard-partying movie star, who has a nasty habit of beating up his girlfriends, is demanding a little abuse himself from his current squeeze? . .Mickey Rourke

--WHICH trans-Atlantic socialite, whose father squandered a huge estate, barged into the offices of a London magazine to preview a profile on her? Now she's campaigning to have new photos taken . . .

--WHICH son of a famous actress and a Broadway producer is being evicted from an East Side apartment? Money is no problem, but he was sub-leasing the co-op apartment against board rules.

39. STAR 06/06
After hard partying in his younger years, this married star wants us to believe he's finally sober and an ideal husband and father. But he's lying on both counts. He keeps falling off the wagon and into the laps of numerous hookers. When his wife is out of town, he checks into a hotel, guzzles the booze in the mini-bar and calls up working girls. But he usually gets so blotto, he can't perform!

40. GLOBE 06/06
This sports superstar's mother was victimized by a seedy L.A. plastic surgeon.  The devious doctor took shots of the helpless woman's lower anatomy while she was under anesthesia for a face-life. The creep gets his jollies looking at the pix, but he won't be laughing if this gal's son finds out.

Millions of ponytailed little girls ooh and aah and coo at posters of this hottie singer. But backstage he has a slinky system for linking up with foxy fellahs after his concerts.

Though his 'do and duds signify a wild personality, this chum is definitely not the type to just pick up possible amours at a bar.

Instead, he has his own personal escort service of sorts (kind of like het rockers have been doing it fer years). A dude who used to work on the tunester's tour still serves as a setter-upper, locating primo prospects in all the cities where the heartbreaker's concerts take him. Usually, only candidates with references make the cut. Doncha wish you had that kind of screening process?

Sidebar: The mattress-matchmaker happens to be the personal assistant to a big name in tunes who has ventured into acting.

And the sexy sweetie in question has a studly enough mug to do exactly the same. And why not? Seems to be how plenty o' other mahn-ly matinee-types manage their unmentionable moments.

HINT 06/09
From ronica: Is this week's Blind Vice Ricky Martin?
--Doll, you think you're so smart, don't you? I bet you are--but not today.

HINT 06/14
Dear Ted: I hope I'm wrong (an In-N-Out Double-Double treat if I am), but I suspect last week's One Blind Vice may be one Latin singer by the name of Ricky Martin. Do I get to clog some arteries, or am I to stay healthy for another day?

--Artery-obstruct away, babe. Ricky's more exotic than the hottie under debate.

HINT 06/21
Dear Ted: My colleagues and I are late-night editors/pop-culture mavens, and on slow nights we like to bat around the Blind Vice portion of your column. To my great horror, my colleague suggested that the person described in your June 7 Blind Vice is Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray. Please tell me that isn't true.
--Sigh away, your coworker is mistaken. I can't think of how to differentiate them, though. They both have interesting 'dos and little girls nipping at their heels.

HINT 07/18
I believe the cheating husband dating the wealthy college coed on your June 14 Blind Vice is none other than Sylvester Stallone. Am I right?
--You may have a fabu name, babe, but you ain't sly enough for this too cozy conundrum. Think a tad more refined, and you just might see the slightly less muscular light.

42. NY POST/PAGE SIX...06/10
--WHICH Hamptons sportsman urges young female guests to skinny-dip in his indoor pool after assuring them he'll be busy elsewhere? Then he sneaks into a hidden passage, where he can spy on the naked bathers from a concealed porthole

--WHICH tailgunning movie hunk is a regular client of an L.A. outcall agency that features a "legal" self-gratification service. "He's into flying solo," says a source of the voyeur.  Tom Cruise

43. STAR 06/12
This wealthy rock star has had his share of wives and girlfriends, but he always walks away with most of his money intact. How does he do it? He films his mates in compromising postions-- doing drugs and performing kinky sex acts. When the love affair is over he pulls out the tapes and threatens to release them unless the dolls walk away with a whole lot less than they feel they're owed. His current amour refuses to partake in the amateur pornos and that's the real reason he refuses to marry her.
Rod Stewart

44. GLOBE 06/12
This '70's rock legend is terrified to come out of the closet. During his heyday, he would bed as many groupies as possible, boasting that the boys in the band couldn't keep up with him. But nowadays, he spends his spare time picking up pretty young guys who don't have a clue who he is. It's just a matter of time before someone recognizes him and spills his little secret.
David Lee Roth; Paul Stanley; Robert Plant

You've swooned when he's on the screen. Those chiseled cheekbones, those enviable eyelashes, that rippled bod. Offscreen, he has the happy-fam appearance going on, with a beautiful wifey and offspring to boot.

But that's not enough for this elegant lad, which is why he has taken a trip down the infidelity aisle. The damsel of his desire: a college coed. A thin beaut who just happens to come from big bucks--the inherited kind.

The chickadee caroused into one of the Midwest's chicest night spots (I'm not kidding) and immediately spotted the hottie, who's on location filming a flick. The bold babe approached him and whispered scandalous somethings into his ear. It worked, 'cause she has been bebopping with the dude ever since.

Think he's bragging about his youthful conquest to buddies? Not with that spouse and kid-blessed home of his. The coed's the one who can't stop blabbing about her mattress-mounting acshuns.

The buzz built when a neighbor noticed the lass chauffeuring the dude around in her pricey European wheels (thanks, Daddy) on the street where she lives--oh, did I mention she still resides in her parents' house?

I assume you're drooling for a clue, so I'll just say that if you're following the rules of the game, the answer will reveal itself. Guy Pearce; Jude Law

HINT 06/21
Dear Ted: I think Ethan Hawke is the man in last week's Blind Vice. If Uma can't keep him happy, I seriously doubt anyone could. Am I right?
--No, you're not. You're closer in age but farther in general style, attitude and career heat.

Dear Ted: Is the June 14 Blind Vice Ryan Phillippe? A box of fudge is riding on this one.
--Nope. There's an age diff between the chap and the coed, if that helps. So, since I know the answer, I get the chocolate, right?

HINT 06/30
From jen&kerri: Could the One Blind Vice from June 14 possibly sizzle like Bacon?
--Nice try, babes, but you'll have to fry up another star. Right age, wrong type.

46. NY POST/PAGE SIX...06/17
--WHICH male model-turned-actor, as famous for his abs as his ads, is struggling for work after the cancellation of his TV series? He told an acquaintance: "I'm an out-of-work actor and have to take anything I can" . . .Lucky Vanous; Antonio Sabato Jr.; Michael Bergin

--WHICH friendly actress recently went through a horrible trauma? Not only is her marriage said to be on the rocks, but she just suffered a miscarriage. Courteney Cox

47. Filth2Go...06/18Could it be that a certain "blond" (and I use that term loosely) actor (another loose term) has been celebrating his newfound job by dallying outside of his conjugal bed? While one would never call him monogamous, additional partners have typically been something he and his partner have shared. Oh, did I mention his partner is also a male? Well, while the spousal equivalent is spending endless hours in the gym, our buff boy is getting on swimmingly by doing unspeakable acts in the couple's marital beach party house. Just goes to show that some people are bad to the bone. David Chokachi

48. STAR 06/19 - #1
This famous actress has fallen on hard times and now she's under the control of some very bad people. It's not a religious cult -- she met these folks through medical circumstances. Her relatives are amazed that the grifters have moved so quickly into the actress' life.

She's turned over all her finances to these suspicious characters and trusts them to keep her world running smoothly. Her family and friends are concerned, but the actress adamantly defends her new pals in spite of the fact that money is disappearing fast. Margot Kidder; Lauren Hutton; Dyan Cannon; Liza Minelli; Faye Dunaway

49. STAR 06/19 - #2
This hot singer -- rumored to be gay and a heavy consumer of all male escort services -- has made a sordid pact with his rougher-looking but heterosexual brother. In this tag-team dating scheme, the beautiful golden tonsiled crooner acts as babe-bait and attracts potential female dates for his brother.  Wouldn't be that bad if the brother wasn't so very married.
Ricky Martin; Enrique Iglesias

50. GLOBE 06/19
This 'bad girl' TV star loves a man in uniform. She's been known to run stop signs and make illegal U-turns if she spots a cute cop, just to get his attention. When the officer pulls her over, she pretends she didn't know she did anything wrong and lays on the charm, often arranging a 'date' with the guy and offering sexual favors. Shannen Doherty

51. E! ONLINE...TED CASABLANCA.....06/21
Ouch. This one hurts.

So, there's this primo performer about whom I've often wheedled and whined. Don't really like how he's consistently underworshipped by the public, that's why.

(And, dearies, before you jump to any conclusions, remember: There are other unsung men in the world besides Kim's other half.)

You can imagine my disappointment, then, when I discovered the attached actor is not averse to being worshipped by those other than his celebrated significant other.

In particular, this brawny babe has been known to not shy away from befriending his S.O.'s friends--and I ain't talkin' just for coffee.

And speaking of automatic drip: This handsome guy's not particularly kind to his idolaters once they're finished at the caffeinated throne.

Oh, my--those royal raunchy ones. When will they ever learn beheading comes to those who abuse the privilege of a vital title?

Because this daring prince is full of vitality, I assure you (not to mention irony). James Brolin

HINT 06/28
Dear Ted:
Is last week's One Blind Vice Kurt Russell? He's an underrated stud, to be sure. But to do that to Goldie? I can't believe anyone would be that dumb.
--Ah, the roving penis knows no bounds (or reason), my dear, as many a betrayed beauty in Hollywood has learned. Alas, Goldie is not the one to whom I was referring. Close, but no Clinton-style cigar. Right type o' studly guy, though.

HINT 06/30
From cindy: The June 21 One Blind Vice, the husband with the wandering, um, eye...Could it be Antonio Banderas? Hope not!
--Oh! Good one. Unfortunately, it's a wrong one. He certainly has the same smoldering appeal. But what made you go for Antonio? I certainly didn't give any machismo clues.

52. STAR #1 06/26This superstar had been unlucky in love until she hooked up with one of the world's sexiest men. But you'll be shocked at the price she has to pay to keep this international playboy from straying. Despite her sexy image, she's not so creative in bed, so the hunk pressures her into threesomes. She's so desperate to hold on to her handsome guy that she even agreed to share their bed with one of his former girlfriends, a knockout model who knows exactly how to please him. Our girl hates sharing, but she's holding on to the man of her dreams. Mariah Carey, Luis Miguel, & Daisy Fuentes; Melanie Griffith and Antonia Banderas

53. STAR 06/26 #2 This oh so shapely television babe keeps auditioning for big time movie roles, yet she keeps getting rejected. Rumors are that she's a bad actress and can't nail her lines. But the truth is that the gal's out of control cocaine habit is making movie execs queasy about hiring her. The white stuff has become such a big deal that friends are wondering how the actress can take care of her two young kids. Pam Anderson

54. GLOBE 06/26 This tv fixture and his gorgeous, much younger wife aren't as happy as they appear to be in public. Behind closed doors, they're constantly at each other's throats. They've been to counseling, but it's obviously not working. The only thing keeping them together is their two young kids. Larry King and his much younger Mormon wife; Tony Randall; Kathie Lee and Frank Gifford

I pretend to hate Hollywood publicists. I don't, really. I look upon them as many of those well-meaning liberal prisses do when they proclaim gay people to be some of their best friends! Ditto on the flacks, per my proclamations.

But not this one: There's a rep in town who's gradually garnering some of the worst backtalk in the biz regarding his high-handed busywork. Bombastically makes demands out the wazoo simply because his biggest client is one of the hottest talents in town, at the moment.

And more than a few sufferers of this haughty creep's jackass ways can't wait to see him kicked in the rubber parts sooner than later.

But most likely, that time will be the latter--as this PR dude is a genius at covering up for his good-looking client's prescription-lacking activities. As a result, the above-the-title actor turns a blind eye to his rep's reprehensible rep.

(Ah, the powers that perks and mess-savvy peeps provide.)

Alas, a report will occur, eventually. Mark my poopascope.