July and August 2000

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What happened when a self-impressed director of high-powered fluff met with a young, Oscar-worthy, internationally beloved actress about playing the pivotal romantic role in one of his new epics? The boorish director first put off the candidate by asking her to recite her impressive list of movie credits, then told her he hadn'tseen any of them. Ever the charmer, he went on to hint that maybe she wasn't quite beautiful enough for the role, but suggested that for the heck of it, she shoot a test like the many other girls he had previously considered. That test so blew away everyone who saw it that the director scrambled immediately to offer the girl the role. At which point the young beauty told him, in her crispest diction, to go screw himself. Ah, you pray for moments such as these.

Actress: Helena Bonham-Carter, Julia Roberts, Kate Winslett
Director: Michael Bay, Tony Scott

She's gorgeous and edgy. He's gorgeous and edgy. Their love affair was sizzling enough to have torched several cities--until they publicly broke up and moved on. She hooked up with someone else. He got married, divorced and hooked up with someone else. End of the affair, right? Wrong. The two have secretly spent on week alone together in a secluded romantic locale every single year since their split-up, each time returning to their unknowing, respective partners.

This award-winning actor's sexual preference is Hollywood's worst-kept secret--everyone knows he's as gay as an Easter bonnet. But what the town doesn't know is that he's dating the sexy young male star of a popular sitcom! The younger actor hopes to cross over into the movies, so he's willing to fool around with the older actor in hopes of furthering his career. They're careful to avoid being seen and meet at a private hotel for their sex romps. The only problem is, the older guy's falling in love and the younger one isn't.

Which soap beauty fears her real-life hubby is cheating? This lovely lass hopes that taking time to work on her marriage will do the trick and save the relationship. Buddies are crossing their fingers, but they're not holding their breath--they know her guy has had a roving eye for a very long time!

5. GLOBE.....07/04
This hot young movie buck makes gals swoon and is currently squiring a super-sexy actress, but she doesn't know he also dabbles in men! While everyone thinks he's totally straight, he frequently ditches his gorgeous galpal and, um, switches teams...but makes sure he's always home before bed check!

6. NY POST/PAGE SIX...07/07
WHICH controversial fashion figure, who's supposed to be settling down as a
family man, had ounces of top-quality cocaine and scores of hits of ecstasy for
the guests at his wedding? ...

WHICH waiflike supermodel has destroyed her teeth with stomach acid from
purging after meals? At a recent shoot, a stylist painted her brownish gray
teeth with Liquid Paper ...

WHICH blue-eyed leading man still brings smiles to a public relations exec he
dated four years ago? She giggles remembering how he insisted on wearing her
underwear in bed.

7. Filth2Go....07/10
Could it be that a certain television actor has taken his recent
unemployment philosophically? Not only that, but he's embraced his
freedom - in more ways than one. Sources close to the tall, dark and
handsome hottie tell me that the change in him has been positively jarring.
Like what? Once his Hollywood duties were behind him, he hit the freeway
and went to his first out-of-town Gay Pride festivities in years. How did
he celebrate? In typical fashion - a two-day orgy in his hotel room,
complete with dozens of circuit boys and their toys! Two attendees told me
that the revelers had a howling good time.

When I'm virtually handing you a blind item on a silver platter, then we've
definitely come to the end of yet another column. Why was this one
particularly easy? Darlings, go back to last week's column and read the
section I wrote about how to decipher a blind item, and you'll see that you
don't need special training to figure this one out (yes, that was another
clue). Michael T. Weiss, Scott Wolf, Jeremy London

8. STAR MAGAZINE...07/11
He's a big box office star with a kinky fetish. He likes to smell women's shoes! His perfect wife knows nothing of his fondness for footwear, so he relies on hookers to fulfill his fantasies. When he's in the mood for a good whiff he rents a room in a Hollywood hotel and has a treadmill brought in. He hires a hooker and orders her to dress in workout clothes, then he puts her on the treadmill. After she works up a big sweat he pays $500 for her smelly sneakers! The gals love when he calls because he doesn't want sex, just their shoes! Tom Hanks, Arnold Schwarzenegger, John Travolta, Eddie Murphy

9. GLOBE.....07/11
This seemingly straight laced talk show host was aghast after being caught carrying a bag out of a porno shop by a TV news crew. The tube bigwig had to BEG the fellas to turn over the tape so there wouldn't be a scandal. The guys did, and were promised an exclusive all-access, at-home interview later on. Maury Povich, Jay Leno

10. Filth2Go...07/17
Could it be that the star of an upcoming series this fall has a secret?
Yes, and it's a juicy one. Like what? Like the fact that the married
looker has a same-sex lover whom he keeps on hand as a personal assistant.
This might be his return to TV, but it's also his return to his male lover.
The "assistant" was there during the hairy final days of our hero's last
series, and rumor has it that they never stopped their relationship. What
of his wife at home? As long as those checks come in to subsidize her
shopping sprees, she should be able to keep warm on those cold, lonely
nights. Kevin Sorbo,
Perry King, Tim Daly, Steven Weber

11. NY POST/PAGE SIX...07/17
WHICH hard-throwing major leaguer headed to the Hamptons as soon as he finished
pitching in Florida and ended up partying at Tavern until 3 a.m.? The
married-with-children hurler departed with two young ladies, who were soon
naked with him in a nearby hot tub. According to a much-copied e-mail from a
purported witness: "The only guy he was with was his driver, who collected all
of their clothes at like 6 a.m." Roger Clemens

12. NY POST/PAGE SIX...07/18
WHICH perky TV personality always leaves a sulfurous fog of smoke in ladies'
rooms? Her confessed habit since adolescence is to veil all tell-tale evidence
of her powder room presence by firing up, then waving around, entire books of
matches before exiting ... Katie Couric

WHICH handsome movie star - who makes women's knees go weak - hooked up with
a male model while attending the fashion shows in Milan? Now the two hunks have
been seen together in Gotham.
Matthew McConaughey, Russell Crowe

13. STAR MAGAZINE....07/18
This popular TV personality has blossomed this year and she's never looked
better. She credits a well-known Hollywood diet and exercise program with
helping her shed her baby fat. But that's not the only reason she's slimmer
than ever. She's addicted to diet pills! And it's the dangerous ones that
have been taken off the market that she can't live without. So this sweet
celebrity has to deal with underground sources and sleazy dealers to supply the
illegal drugs to keep the slender look she loves. Melissa Joan Hart, Marie Osmond

14. GLOBE...07/18
This world-famous divorced beauty was seen making out in her car after dark
with a stuntman on her new flick, just hours after disappearing into her
trailer with her hunky leading man. And no one dared come a-knocking because
that thing was a-rocking! Pam Anderson Lee, Carmen Electra, Brooke Shields, Lauren Holly, Milla Jovovich, Andie MacDowell, Rachel Hunter

Ah, hedonism is alive and well in Hollywood (as if you had any doubts). Career and motor-vehicle choice are not always at the forefront of the celebrated noggins out here in Smogville.

Take the recent post-post premiere pah-tay for a successful movie. The after-party--which is often where the real action takes place, once Mary Hart's been put to bed--for this particular comedy was held at a Hollywood spa.

And along with the mucho sweat were mucho drugs. Ecstasy--something I never tried before I gave up such things--was flowing as freely as the gratis ice water. And, as I've been told is the effect from this illegal substance, everybody felt very touchy-feely.

Or should I say touchy-pokey?

Oh, hell, when will this town learn? You hardly need to screw up your body to get a good screw, now do you? (I don't.) Scary Movie, Me, Myself & Irene

16. Filth2Go....07/24
Could it be that another buff gal is having problems on her own TV show?
Just weeks into production, and the show has already gone through three
revamps - including replacing the director, co-stars, and premise. What's
the problem? The biggest one is the star herself. Just winning an Oscar
doesn't make you an actor. The brass whom she's alienated at this network
(her third) are kinda hoping that the show has a fast death. You know what
they say - death is easy, but comedy is hard. (As a codicil to this item,
one of the Filth Proofers just wrote back to me commenting: Every time I see
the promos for this show, it seems to me that there's a little neon sign in
the corner of the screen blinking "Disaster! Disaster!") Geena Davis

17. GLOBE ...7/25
This aging macho screen star is so desperate to stay young looking that his new
best friend is his plastic surgeon. So far, he's had his eyes done, collagen
injected in his lips and a tummy tuck. Of course, he's telling everyone that
diet and exercise are what's tightening his bod, but I know the secret to his
fountain of youth! Al Pacino, Mel Gibson, Burt Reynolds, Alec Baldwin, Nick Nolte

18. STAR MAGAZINE...07/25
Which actress, who had a hit TV show in the '70s, is such a kleptomaniac that
whenever she goes to Neiman Marcus, she's carefully followed every minute she's
in the store? In fact, all the stores that still allow her in have to watch
her like a hawk. She's surprisingly likable, so clerks often just add the
stolen items to her bill. But her pilfering doesn't stop there, she's not
above robbing her friends. They know better than to leave her alone in the room
with anything of value. Suzanne Somers, Lindsay Wagner, Farrah Fawcett

19. NY POST/PAGE SIX...07/25
WHICH jealous actress is spreading rumors about a rival up-and-comer who recently got engaged? The older actress - despite her own success and multiple magazine covers - tells anyone who will listen that the new leading lady's success is due entirely to a longterm Sapphic affair with a powerful female movie mogul.
thanks to edina: The mogul IS Sherry Lansing (married but still with an eye for
the girls), the younger actress (whose career was masterminded by
Lansing) is Ashley Judd, the older actress (whose career was certainly
helped along by Lansing) is recent has-been Jodie Foster. Judd is
picking up all the roles Foster used to get offered and Foster's pissed.

20. Hintmag...07/26/00
Which crossover cutie is being harassed by her coke-head ex-husband? The madman's creepy persistent attempts to get in touch with her are putting the beauty under duress at a time when she needs her rest.
 Amber Valletta

21. NY POST/PAGE SIX....07/28
WHICH hot new heartthrob actor isn't all that interested in women? He has lived with his male "roommate" for over a year. Heath Ledger, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon

WHICH middle-aged Hollywood heartthrob is paying for sex with a barman at hot NY fashion pad Joe's Pub? Primero dinero, papi. Steven Bauer, Andy Garcia, Robert De Niro

22. NY POST/PAGE SIX...07/31
WHICH Hollywood veteran who's slated to marry a beauty young enough to be his daughter, isn't as great a catch as he seems? A former flame who dumped him recalls "false teeth, bad breath" ...
 Michael Douglas, James Woods

WHICH well-traveled hockey star was rudely dismissive to the women who approached his table at Amaranth asking for autographs or offering to buy him drinks? The three young lovelies who were allowed to sit down "kept him happy by spewing suggestive, dirty jokes that would make a sailor blush" ...  Mark Messier

WHICH hard-partying supermodel spends several nights a week guzzling Southern Comfort and shooting pool at a downtown dive bar with her freeloading boyfriend? She has a habit of loudly complaining that her gray-haired, blue-collar beau is sponging off her... Bridget Hall

23. Filth2Go...07/31
Could it be that a co-star of one of our subjects this week played a part a little too close to homo? Heaven knows there have been more than enough rumors regarding the sexuality of this ab-o-licious actor. My spies tell me that his part could be described as a gay, closeted, athletic movie star.

And, as my source said, "Only the movie star part was acting!" Touché!
Items in the column were about:
* Marlon Brando
* Dean Cain
* Eddie Cibrian
* Scott Lasky

Michael Bergin who starred with Dean Cain in 'The Broken Hearts Club'

This ultramacho rising young movie star has been going pretty far out lately to
satisfy his taste for blue-collar dudes. Moviemakers can't figure out why he's
been showing up to the set looking so haggard and wasted. Someone should clue
them in on the actor's nightly adventures, which consist of disguising himself
in ratty clothes and a baseball cap that he pulls down over his eyes, and
driving 100 miles east of L.A. to cruise the truck stops and diners where dudes
who dig dudes who drive 18-wheelers find company. Why these truckers don't
recognize the guy's handsome, chiseled features we'll never know. Vin Diesel

25. MOVIELINE/AUG..... #2
We know computers can work magic on movies these days, making follically
challenged actors look like they've got heads of hair like Samson and wrinkled
actresses appear as if they've discovered the fountain of youth. So if you've
wondered why the budget went so high on what was supposed to be a fairly
modestly budgeted flick, it's from paying for digitalizing out the black
circles under a certain leading lady's eyes. What's causing the darkness that
tons of makeup couldn't disguise? Career problems? A bad relationship? Nope.
She's simply having too many nights of booze and young boys. Sandra Bullock, Elizabeth Hurley

26. STAR MAGAZINE.....08/01
This sexy movie star quit snorting cocaine years ago, but her husband's roving
eye is causing her to lapse back into her old bad habits. She thought she was
slick smoking "coco-puffs" -- regular tobacco cigarettes laced with cocaine.
She's a chain smoker and was puffing away and getting high without arousing
any suspicion until a movie executive casually grabbed one of her spiked
ciagarettes during a recent meeting. She tried to stop him from lighting up,
but he did. Now her secret is out and it's the talk of the town.
 Melanie Griffith, Michelle Pfeiffer, Uma Thurman

27. GLOBE....08/01
This hot big-screen heartthrob is taking full advantage of his newfound fame by
romancing not one, but two gorgeous gals. He's even moved in with them, and
when he turns up on the set of his new flick, he's so exhausted from his
nightly sex romps that he has to spend extra time in makeup because he looks so shagged out. The wardrobe department even had to change one of his costumes to cover marks left on his wrists from the handcuffs he'd been wearing the night before!

Jason Biggs, Wes Bentley, Heath Ledger

Famous sports figure in the news these days. Engaged, too, from what I hear in the gossips. (You don't read that trash, do you?)

Well, sugarplums, before this handsome boy--who's simply genius at making balls go where they're supposed to (and not)--was betrothed, he had a stripper perform at his B-day bash. He liked the broad so much he asked her to stay after the guests departed, because he's a generous host and all. (Generous being the operative word regarding the operator.)

Well, the stripper was most pleased, saying it was the most substantial $500 she had ever earned--if you catch my substantive drift. (And I'm sure you do, otherwise you wouldn't be reading this column with your pants down.) Pete Sampras, Kobe Bryant, Tiger Woods, Andre Agassi

29. NY POST/PAGE SIX....08/04
WHICH superannuated sex bomb is frightening the make-up artists who trowel on her foundation before TV interviews? This ancient girlie wears very short skirts. Said our source: "They warn each other, 'Don't look down!' She doesn't wear any panties."

Sally Kirkland; Helen Gurley Brown

30. NY POST/PAGE SIX...08/07
--WHICH movie hunk dumped his gorgeous girlfriend just as he was buying himself
a TriBeCa loft because she was less than sympathetic while his dog was dying of
cancer? When she tossed the suffering pet from the bedroom, he tossed her ...

Ed Burns and Heather Graham

--WHICH TV/movie star - one of Hollywood's hottest bachelors - just talked his
ex-girlfriend of three years out of slapping him with a palimony suit? ...

George Clooney

--WHICH multi-platinum pop diva, taking a break from singing to make a movie,
may have a bun in the oven? She was overheard on the set telling a pal she's preggers ... Mariah Carey

--WHICH boy-next-door actor isn't so innocent? Though he should show fidelity
to his actress girlfriend, he often stops by a notorious strip club, orders table dances and then refuses to tip.  John Cusack

31. Filth2Go....08/07
Could it be that a member of one of those numerous boy bands has been testing the waters about coming out? So say roadies, who tell me that they are having a difficult time keeping their straying singer on a short leash. They've convinced him to stay away from bars and be a bit more discreet. That hasn't curbed the pretty boy's sexual activity. It just has taken him into a new realm - cyberspace. If you're on-line and chatting with a cutie looking for sex and think, "Gee, he looks like.." - don't be surprised if he is! ... you're in luck because, like (almost said his name!), Billy always has his laptop handy. Feel free to send your naughty notes to me via e-mail and I promise to get back to you as soon as I finish chatting with.oops, almost did it again. Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass
JC Chasez

32. STAR 08/08
This macho actor made a big deal out of thanking a famous actor-buddy who urged him to get into rehab. His drug and drinking habits were killing him and he got violent with people, especially his wife. Now he's back on the sauce and his wife is history. Too bad he ran into her seated at the bar chatting with a man at a recent Hollywood party. Onlookers were shocked when the actor confronted her with loud and vulgar language, grabbed her by the shirt and shoved her to the floor, shouting insults. He spit in her face before she left in tears. The oblivious actor turned around and continued to party as if nothing had happened.
Macho Actor: Tom Sizemore
Famous Actor-Buddy: Tom Hanks, Robert De Niro

33. BI's from http://gaytours.gaywebpages.com/whowhat.htm
--Which matinee idol played the piano with his penis? Erroll Flynn; John Barrymore

--Which gangster with a 12 inch penis was stabbed by a lesbian?
Johnny Stompanato, who in 1958 was stabbed to death by actress Lana Turner's
daughter, Cheryl Crane. Detailed in Crane's autobiography, "Detour."

--Which "adult" gay video star worked at the Playboy Mansion?

--Which actor/legislator is credited with the most bizarre suicide ever?
Actor Albert Dekker ("Dr. Cyclops," "Among the Living," "Gentleman's
Agreement," "Suddenly Last Summer," "The Wild Bunch," etc.). He served a term
(1945-46) as a California assemblyman, and in 1968 was found dead in his home,
naked and suffocated, the apparent victim of autoerotic asphyxiation.

--Which actor had a remote controlled penis installed in his sofa?

--Which legendary actor claimed to have his XXXX sucked by five of the big names in Hollywood? James Dean

--Which matinee idol had pants with a zipper in the back?

--Which actor drank himself to death because he had a tiny penis?
It was rumored that Montgomery Clift was nicknamed "Princess Tiny Meat."

--How did the Studio Craft Worker's Strike of 1945 affect the AIDS crisis of the 1980's and 1990's?

--What major actor worked as towel boy at a Hollywood gay bath house?

--What single incident is responsible for changing bed sheets from plain white to colors, patterns, and prints?

--What former NBC-TV star had a long career as an "adult" gay film star before marrying a female big band singer? Jack Wrangler married Margaret Whiting

--Who was jealous of Maureen O'Sullivan...and why did she hate them?

--Who is the pillar of society that now lives next door to the Clampet's Beverly Hillbilly's "cement pond"?

--What does chili from Chasen's have to do with Century City?

--What former talk show host and game show mogul has been accused of being "...kingpin to Hollywood's homosexual underground..."? Merv Griffin

--What "adult" gay video star was divorced by his wife when she discovered he wasn't just a high school coach? Ty Fox

34. GLOBE 08/08
This former Emmy-winning sitcomic is now begging for work at all the Hollywood studios, but she has such a loathsome, hard to work with reputation that no one will take a meeting with the "snob princess." She finally got an appointment at one studio, but it was cancelled and no one bothered to tell her, so she sat in an office like a lump for 45 minutes. Finally a parking attendant informed the dragon lady she had to move her car from the lot or it would be towed! Well, they say never to burn any bridges!
Shelley Long; Valerie Harper

35. WILDCARD....08/08
I swear I've become a true believer in good things happening to talented
people. Guess who will be guest starring in that quirky, sexy law office TV
show this coming season? Chances are that he's on his way to putting his heart
and souls into getting his career back on track and not taking any short cuts.
Only you know this, so don't tell.
Robert Downey Jr./Ally McBeal

36. NY POST/PAGE SIX 08/11
--WHICH major starlet is hitting the sauce a little too hard? At a recent Hollywood powerhouse wedding, she got tanked on the free liquor and made a mess, while another pint-sized Tinseltown beauty made her homely boyfriend jealous by running a continuous commentary on how hot the groom looked ...

major starlet: Cameron Diaz
pint-sized beauty/boyfriend : Salma Hayek/Ed Norton; Drew Barrymore/Tom Green

-- WHICH recently married TV star hasn't seen her daughter since the wedding? Even though the girl supposedly urged her mother to get married, she secretly can't stand her new father-in-law and is bunking with pals in Europe for the foreseeable future.  Candice Bergen

37. Filth2Go...08/14
Could it be that a certain Hollywood boy about town has been spending more time playing than working? Sure looks that way to me. In the last couple of years, the pickin's have sure been slim professionally. But that hasn't stopped our partying punk from making the rounds in his social life. All summer, I have gotten word from various gay meccas about his encounters - from Provincetown over July 4th (with boyfriend in tow) to South Beach just last week. On this recent trip, the punky party boy didn't bring his boyfriend down south, which meant that he could explore various other men's lower hemispheres. Interestingly enough, he's playing against type and latching onto guys significantly older than he is. Maybe he's looking for a daddy - or two! Well, I guess we now know how he spent his summer vacation! Chad Allen

This top international male star can't figure out why he's having such a hard time getting a movie deal. He's good-looking and the fans love him, but big money movie investors are shying away from backing his films. It's not because of those homosexual rumors that he can't get a job. The problem is the rumor that he's infected with HIV. The money guys are afraid to ask him to take an AIDS test, so they just politely decline to work with him. The rumor, whether true or not, is quietly killing his career.
Jean-Claude Van Damme

39. GLOBE 08/15
This young celebrity couple are smitten, but one is hiding a sexy secret! He's had affairs with a legion of sultry young ladies and is locked in a steady fling with a former galpal. He tells his unsuspecting girlfriend that he's at a guy pal's home, then slips over to visit his ex. But all his bases are covered because if she does call, his buddy says he's in the pool! He's not been caught yet, but time will tell because both he and his ex are very famous and sure to get spotted someday soon.
 John Cusack/Neve Campbell; Chris Klein/ Katie Holmes; Freddie Prinze, Jr./Sarah Michelle Gellar

40. NY POST/PAGE SIX....08/21
--WHICH media heavy never should have said it with flowers? He sent bouquets to a pretty blond underling in the office who was banished when the owner of the company learned of the romance. Eventually his wife found out too and threw him out. Is there an echo here? ...
 Howard Stern, Montel Williams

--WHICH Upper East Side plastic surgeon indiscreetly brags to prospective patients that he is responsible for improving the voluptuous curves of a sultry Latina starlet who evidently had a bit too much upholstery in her seat and thighs? Starlet: Jennifer Lopez

41. Filth2Go....08/21
Could it be that a certain musical theatre legend has something up his ass - and it ain't a gerbil? I'm told that in the original version of Making Porn, there was a joke about this gent and his predilection for certain furry creatures. After some legal communications, the offending joke was excised from the official script - but not the rumors that spawned the line. So, what is truth and what is fiction? Let's just say that some things take more than a moment, dearie. Jerry Herman

42. Jess Nivens B.I. ....08/21
"A Change Didn't Do Her Good"
Oh, the trials and tribulations of being a Hollywood couple. No one thought this pair would last--and, of course, they didn't, despite the volcanic heat in the bedroom and brave public faces they both wore. But some of us thought the younger of the two was only using the older one as a stepping stone and would ditch their partner as soon as better roles came in. That didn't turn out to be the case. No, what doomed these two was a plain old-fashioned wandering eye. It seemed that the older introduced the younger to a friend. This didn't prove to be the addition of a friendship, but rather the subtraction of a relationship, as the "friend" proved to be a minus woman, subtracting the younger away from the older. The sad part is, the "friend" only wanted a meaningless fling, while the younger of the now-longer-a-pair thought it was something meaningful. Now there are two broken hearts and one smirking face....
Older Face: Ellen DeGeneres
Younger Face: Anne Heche
Smirking Face: Gina Gershon, Sheryl Crow
Ellen did Anne, who did Gina, who did Owen Wilson (Sheryl's boyfriend), who did Sheryl, who did Anne.

43. STAR MAGAZINE...08/22
This actress has always been a man-eater and delights in having affairs with her leading men. Her habit destroyed one of her marriages but another husband, also an actor, was thrilled with their open relationship. Our girl has had setside flings with many top stars and at least one resulted in the guy getting a divorce. But she still complains to girlfriends about the one man who resisted her charms no matter what. Who was that hero? Indiana Jones himself, Harrison Ford.
 Melanie Griffith

44. GLOBE....08/22
Which award-winning TV actress always goes stag or with gay male pals to most Tinseltown parties? She goes solo because she's madly in love with a married non-showbiz man and refuses to give up hope that he'll leave his wife. Her friends try to fix her up but when she goes on dates she cuts them short to get home and page her hitched hunk. They can't go anywhere in public together because he's afraid someone will snap a photo and his wifey-poo will find out.
Camryn Manheim

Anybody got some mouthwash handy? (Trust me, you're gonna need it.)

So, there's this megatalented (but not very good looking) actor who was recently doing the media thing for one of his movies. Said performer has been nominated for an Oscar--truly knows his stuff.

Also knows how to get his way.

The fiftyish dude was refusing to do press for his flick, which was a Paramount offering. That is, until he had the despicable idea of telling his attractive (female) flack that he would only cooperate if she gave him a little Monica Lewinsky ac-shun.

Get my knee-pad drift?

Sure ya do. But you want to hear what's really sick in this barfo scenario? She did it!

Now, my dears, would you like a washcloth or another clue? (You can't have both.) Fine, here it is: If your ears--and other body parts--are burning, you're already getting warm.

Hey, this is fun! Here's another clue, my little devilish detectives: This jerk once hooked up with one of the most notoriously nutty broads in Hollywood.

(Must be where he got those bare-brained ideas of his.)

James Woods
Age: fifties
Last major film: The General's Daughter (Paramount)
2 Oscar Nominations
Was "involved" with noted nutcase, Sean Young.
Was the voice of "Hades Lord of the Dead" for a cartoon show.

46. NY POST/PAGE SIX. 08/25
WHICH white actor/author who recently became a dad is the target of Internet rumor-mongers who say he's cheating on his actress wife by having an affair with a black woman writer? "He's really into his writing right now and considers [the mistress] brilliant, the bastard child of Hemingway and Maya Angelou," said one posting. "They reportedly met at a Soho coffeehouse". Ethan Hawke
(the story was fabricated)

--WHICH TV producer was fired recently when it turned out he was more perverse than any of the guests on his trashy show? The exec was calling in hookers for kinky afterhours trysts ... Producer of Jerry Springer Show

--WHICH hunky actor from down under provides his own cheering section in bed? Just before he reaches the big “O” this burly brawler screams out “Go, [his name]! Go!” ... Russell Crowe

--WHICH Aussie actor famed for his long marriage and many kids has prostitutes flown in from Thailand when he’s on location? He likes young Thai women because they don’t speak English and won’t give interviews about his activities. Mel Gibson

48. STAR MAGAZINE.....08/29
"Mr. Nice Guy's career isn't as hot as it was in the '80s, but his sex life is considerably hotter! He appears to be happily married, but behind his naive wife's back this funnyman is addicted to gay sex. He's terrified of catching something, so he frequently checks in to a Hollywood hotel and orders up sexy male hustlers two at a time, then directs the action between them as he watches happily from a safe distance." Billy Crystal, Howie Mandel
, John Ritter, Dan Ackroyd

49. GLOBE....08/29
This famous actor-director's image is that of a happily married family man. But he's reliving his traumatic youth - now that he's popular - by sleeping with a slew of leading ladies and sexy extras. Over the years, he's been kind of "down", but the miracle of Viagra has helped him "up" again and now he's eagerly back to his cheating ways. And his actress wife doesn't have a clue."
Danny Devito, Tom Hanks

50. Could it be that a certain has-been hunky heartthrob has hit hard times? Yup, and he’s taken his plight to the Internet. The poor boy no longer has his high-profile sugar daddy, and his best friend is having career problems herself (see elsewhere in this column). But he still looks damn good and is exploring various ways to make ends meet – or meat! You know that I’d be the last one to accuse anyone of something unseemly, but the fact of the matter is that our survivor needs cash. What to do? Like Carol, he’s on line, and he’s also selling things – but his product is his body! Yes, if you’ve lusted after this Grade B bit of beefcake in his many heart-stopping roles from the 80s and 90s, you will be thrilled to know that you can have that body in your own bed – but it will cost ya significantly more than somewhere in the 80s or 90s. How much? Depends on how hard he has to work, and I’m told that you’d need a mighty big ruler if he works REALLY hard! Andrew Stevens
Women mentioned in the column: Carol Burnett, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bernhard, Joan Jett, Daphne Rubin-Vega, Lea DeLaria, Ellen DeGeneres, Anne Heche, Faye Dunaway, Sharon Stone

What pair of co-stars almost caused the production of their current sleeper hit to shut down when the film's insurance company discovered they both had traces of THC in their urine? ...
Marlon and Damon Wayans/Scary Movie

52. NY POST/PAGE SIX....08/31
WHICH former boxing champ paid dearly for sex with a former Miss USA a few years back? It cost him cash, a luxury car and a stunning Malibu apartment ..
Evander Holyfield, Oscar de la Hoya, Mike Tyson